Rabbi David Sutton & Dr. David Katzenstein, LCSW-R
Life in the Dungeon
Once we are able to admit, I have a side of me that may be capable of stealing, or doing some other bad deed, that makes the theoretical deed a separate entity from us. Although it may be bad, it is not us anymore, because we are no longer identifying ourselves with negative traits.
Yet, as with all forms of self-improvement, this is easier said than done.
There are many things that prevent people from increasing awareness regarding their own thoughts. Many of these things are related to particular mental health struggles.
For example:
Negative Self-Talk: People who engage in negative self-talk may fear their own thoughts because they believe their thoughts are a reflection of their own worth or abilities.
Anxiety: People who suffer from anxiety may fear their own thoughts because those thoughts can trigger feelings of panic or distress.
Trauma: People who have experienced trauma may fear their own thoughts because the thoughts can bring back unpleasant memories and emotions.
Social Stigma: People may fear their own thoughts if they believe their thoughts are socially unacceptable or abnormal.
Lack of Control: People may fear their own thoughts because they feel like they have no control over what or how they think.
It is important to understand that having negative or intrusive thoughts is normal. Learning coping strategies to help manage and overcome the fear of our own thoughts takes both strength and vulnerability. When we manage and overcome the fear of our own thoughts, we are better able to see our actions as separate from our true selves.
What is our true self? It is our ani, our self-awareness, which is above the committing of a bad deed. Although it may be depressing at first to recognize our negative characteristics, at the same time, it can be liberating.
Rav Wolbe tells a story to illustrate his point.
In the early 1800s, a German youth named Kaspar Hauser claimed to have grown up in the total isolation of a darkened cell.
Allegedly, when he was finally released, Kaspar said that the entire time that he had lived in the dungeon, he’d thought life was the dungeon. By the time he realized there is a whole universe out there, he was already out of the dungeon.
The same holds true when we get to know ourselves. As long as we are in the “dungeon,” living as our lower selves with all our bad middot, that is all we know. Once we start realizing, Hey, I was in the dungeon, we are already out of the dungeon, and now our job begins:
It’s time to fix ourselves.
TAKEAWAY
If someone speaks disparagingly to you or you hear that someone gossiped about you, before going on the defensive, think for a moment if there is a smidgen of truth to their words.
Once you acknowledge your faults, once you acknowledge that you were in the dungeon, you are already on the way to fixing those faults.