The K-9 Unit
Little Yitzi was walking home from school in Jerusalem when he came across a police officer who had a dog in the back of his van – a K-9 unit.
“Is that a dog back there?” Yitzi asked the police officer.
“It sure is,” the police officer replied. Puzzled, Yitzi looked at the officer and then towards the back of the van.
Finally Yitzi asked, “What did it do?”
Alan B.
It’s All in the Delivery
A guy walks into a resort in the Catskills for the first time – one of those famous Borscht Belt places. Some of the old-time comics are sitting around telling jokes. One of them says, “Seventeen,” and the other old timers all roar with laughter. A little later, another guy says, “Thirty-two,” and again, they all laugh and holler.
Well, the new guy can’t figure out what’s going on, so he asks one of the locals next to him, “What’re these old-timers doing?” The local says, “Well, they’ve been hanging around together so long they all know all the same jokes, so to save extra talking they’ve given all the jokes numbers.”
The new fellow says, “That’s clever! I think I’ll try that.”
So, he stands up and says in a loud voice, “Nineteen!”
There was complete silence.
Everybody just looks at him, but nobody laughs. Embarrassed, he sits down again, and asks the local fellow, “What happened? Why didn’t anyone laugh?” The local says, “Well, son, you just didn’t tell it right.”
Victor G.
Slap Shot
Eighty-five-year-old Selma Feinstein went on a blind date with 90-year-old Morris Sapirman. When Selma returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.
“What happened, Ma?” Selma’s daughter asked.
“I had to slap Morris’s face three times!”
“Oh my goodness! Was he that rude?”
“No,” Selma answered, “I thought he was dead.”
Victoria P.
Say What?
Mr. Goldman was sitting with his granddaughter Rachel on his lap, telling her a story, when his hearing aid started to beep.
Surprised, little Rachel looked up at him and said, “Oh, Zadie, you just got an e-mail!”
Sonny C.
The Main Principal
The principal at Kind David High School, Rabbi Epstein was speaking to his vocal parent body at a meeting that they had requested. Rabbi Epstein assured them that he was always happy to hear from them about any problems they may have. He told them, “You can call me day or night, at this number…”
Suddenly there was a cry from the Assistant Principal. “Hey,” he exclaimed, “that’s MY number!”
Elissa M.
Leftovers
Jacob and John are walking to work one day and Jacob is describing his new gadget that he received as a present. “Where did you get that?” John asked. “I got it last night for Hanukah,” said Jacob.
“What’s Hanukah?” John asked.
“It’s a Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights while we celebrate the festival of lights.”
“Wow, I wish we got that!” John exclaimed.
The next day at the office, John runs up to Jacob, curious to see what he got. He sees that Jacob is disappointed. “What’s wrong? Where’s your present from last night?” asks John.
Jacob holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper and replies, “It was leftovers night!”
Moe L.
Smile!
Four-year-old Mikey came screaming out of the bathroom to tell his father that he dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So, Mikey’s father fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Mikey stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to his father’s bathroom and came out with his toothbrush.
Mikey held it up and said with a charming little smile, “Abba, we better throw this one out too then, because it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”
Marlene H.
Hanukah Punnies
Q: Which hand is best to light the menorah with?
A: Neither, it’s best to light it with a candle!
Q: Why did the dreidel go to the doctor?
A: It kept getting dizzy spells!
Q: What do you call a speck that falls into the latke pan?
A: An unidentified frying object!
Matchmaker in Miami
As usual, Miami Beach was packed with tourists when all of a sudden the water turned black and murky, and a hideous sea monster came out. It was standing there, drooling, dripping sea weed, looming over everyone and screaming.
All of the people were understandably petrified, screamed, and ran away. Except for one little old Jewish lady. She got closer and closer and closer and closer to the monster, looked up at him over her glasses and exclaimed, “Oy! Have I got a girl for you!”
Frieda D.
Sick as a Dog
Little Moishie’s dog Benji was sick and the boy was afraid that his dad would come back from the vet with bad news.
As his dad stepped through the door with Benji in his carrier, Moishie rushed to find out what the vet had said.
“I’m afraid it’s not good news, son,” said his father. “The vet thinks Benji’s only got another three weeks or so to live.”
Hearing this, Moishie burst into tears.
“But Benji wouldn’t want you to be sad,” said the father, putting a comforting arm around Moishie’s shoulder. “He’d want you to remember all the good times you had together.”
Moishie rubbed his eyes. “Can we give Benji a funeral?”
“Sure we can,” said his father.
“Can I invite all my friends?”
“Of course you can.”
“And, can we have cake and ice cream?”
“Sure, you can have whatever you want.”
“Dad,” said Moishie, “can we kill Benji today?”
Morris A.
Social Engineering
Four Israeli soldiers who all happened to be different types of engineers were riding in their jeep doing a patrol. There was a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer.
Suddenly, their jeep broke down.
The mechanical engineer said, “Sounds to me like the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again.”
The chemical engineer begged to differ. “It sounds to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“Well, I think it might be a grounding problem,” said the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
Having offered their opinions, the three turned to the computer engineer who was strangely silent on the matter. “What do you think?” they asked.
“Hmmm,” said the computer engineer. “Perhaps, we should all get out of the jeep and get back in again?”
Carl W.