Mozelle Forman
Our community is blessed, for the most part, with affluence that tends to place a heavy emphasis on material possessions. Looking around and seeing the opulent lifestyle of our friends and neighbors can entice one to make poor decisions about their own financial life. “Keeping up with the Joneses,” can become a dangerous position to take when a couple begins to live beyond their means in order to fit in. This choice – the way they earn, the way they spend – becomes the responsibility of both husband and wife
Ari Perl, LCSW, a couples therapist, facilitates a group for men at SBH, entitled, “The Pressures of Providing,” addressing this phenomenon and “providing a space of mutual support from like-minded guys.” What has emerged in this group are the deepest feelings that men have about providing for their family, things they may never have felt comfortable sharing with their wives.
“The men in our group have expressed the wish that others understood the gravity of the burden of managing and budgeting bills and debt- and the constant nature of it. They are choking, caught between a rock and a hard place, between tuition, housing, and other basic living expenses on one side and an income that hardly covers it on the other. They wish they didn’t get hit with sudden large bills even for some ‘noble causes,’ and if they are, they wish their wives would understand what impact that has on them. They wish they didn’t need to conflict with their wives over these issues, let alone be ‘hit’ by sudden large purchases that they only know [about] because they see the bill or the package come in the mail. They need understanding, compassion, respect, and for all of these to be expressed through ongoing close contact over these issues.”
Man As the Provider
To understand why men carry the burden of parnassa alone, we simply have to look back to when Hashem decreed it should be, b’zeat apecha tochal lachem – with the sweat of your brow you shall eat bread. For a man, there is an intrinsic connection between supporting his family and his sense of self-worth. His need to provide well for his family is not dictated by his “ego,” it is his Gd-given mandate to work hard and support his family.
The mandate, though particular to man, was not meant to be his struggle alone. When Hashem created Chava, it was not only to alleviate something negative, Adam’s being alone, it was to provide him with something positive, an “ezer kenegdo” – a curious synthesis of “helpmate against him” – as his partner in the challenges of daily living. Our sages explain that in a relationship, there are times when one is most helpful by being supportive and alongside one’s spouse, and there are times when the help that is needed requires going against the desires and position of one’s spouse. The goal is to know when each action is appropriate. Regardless of the action, it is clear that woman was given a mandate from Hashem to act and to influence.
Collaboration and Communication
In order for this helping relationship to thrive, collaboration and communication are essential. If a man is not disclosing an honest assessment of the family’s financial state, he deprives himself of this help. When a husband does not disclose to his wife that this year’s business was not as profitable and therefore, adjustments to their spending need to be made, he leaves himself abandoned and alone in meeting the financial needs of the family. When a wife is not made aware of the true nature of the family’s income, she may feel resentful when she is told that she needs to cut back on spending. She decides that things can’t be that bad and continues to spend as always. It can be quite tempting and calming for a wife to have the attitude that her husband is in charge and “let him handle it.” Receiving a “salary” for the week and remaining unaware of all the other bills waiting to be paid may give a wife a sense of serenity and security. But if you ask the wife who became aware of the family’s dire financial situation when she watched her car being repossessed in her driveway or if you ask the wife who discovered that her home is now in foreclosure because the mortgage hasn’t been paid in years, they will tell you that they would have liked to have known.
Any financial planner would offer a straightforward, simple plan to alleviating stress about money – “We don’t spend more than we earn.” And while this should solve most financial issues, most couples can’t adopt this philosophy when underlying psychological implications of power and security are not addressed.
Values-Based Financial Choices
Rabbi Manis Friedman, world-renowned author, teacher, and speaker on creating a successful marriage, emphasizes the significance of open communication and shared decision-making regarding finances within a marriage, encouraging couples to discuss financial goals and responsibilities openly. He often cautions against placing too much emphasis on material wealth as the primary factor in marital happiness, suggesting that true fulfillment comes from deeper connections and shared values. He advocates for incorporating ethical and spiritual considerations when making financial choices, aligning personal values with financial actions.
Ari Perl witnesses this first-hand in the couples he counsels. “When a couple sets personal family values and make decisions about their standard of living together it’s very powerful, inspiring, and rewarding. It’s an opportunity to renew their vows around what’s really meaningful and valuable- like family, faith, health, personal accomplishments, and being happy with your portion.”
Every marriage begins with a financial transaction called kiddushin. In kiddushin, the man gives the woman, in the presence of two witnesses, money or some other object, such as a ring, valued at no less than a perutah, signifying their union. While the woman is a passive participant in this initial financial transaction, it is unadvisable for her to remain a silent partner. When both spouses are aware of and are concerned about the financial stability of their family, they have the best chance of success. Most couples spend their entire married lives disagreeing about financial matters. Disagreement does not mean they have a bad relationship. It simply means they haven’t found the right way to discuss a difficult topic. Experts in the field give the following advice:
Expert Advice
Talk to each other – Discuss your hopes and dreams, while prioritizing goals. Discuss how you can work together to achieve them, recognizing that some dreams are not realistic for your family.
Discuss money regularly –In order that issues don’t build up and solve the differences and challenges between you rather than debating who is right. Accept that some problems are unsolvable and focus on constructive ways to discuss them.
Try to understand your partner’s perspective –As in everything else having to do with marriage, we must take into account that we are each individual with different money styles. For example, one partner may prioritize saving for retirement, while the other may prioritize spending on leisure activities. Take the time to learn to listen to each other. When you are open to compromise with your partner about money, you can work together to find the best solution for both of you. Lastly, if conflict or lack of transparency still prevail, seek the help of a rabbi, counselor, or financial planner to insure the financial health and well-being of your family.
Look for the Warning Signs
While financial assessment meetings should take place regularly, there are a few red flags regarding finances that require immediate attention:
- If a spouse refuses to talk about money or gets defensive when asked about finances, it’s a red flag that they might be hiding important information that could affect the other spouse’s financial well-being. This could include hidden debt or an excessive spending habit, compulsive gambling, or unethical business practices.
- When a spouse overspends continually on a credit card, it can quickly snowball into a debt crisis for the couple. Opening more new credit cards and maxing out multiple credit cards will not only create the debt crisis but will damage your credit, making you ineligible to apply for loans in the future.
- When a spouse is unwilling to create a budget or stick to a budget created together, financial crisis can occur and trust can be damaged.