QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I’ve been married for 19 years and my marriage has been anything but good. My spouse has caused much heartache and refuses to change. We’ve been arguing about this for so long and I don’t believe he will ever change. I have never spoken to anyone about this and I don’t know where to turn. Do you have any advice for me?
R’ Ali’s Response:
As I mention often, anyone who feels that their marriage is not in a great place should not rely on a response in a short email. Although I try to offer a new perspective for you and the readers, I mainly offer food for thought, which is in no way, shape, or form a substitute for professional assistance.
I would like to address a few points that you mention that are relevant in many marriages and are not exclusive to those who are struggling.
First is something that I often see when counseling people. Couples wait far too long before they reach out for help. There are a number of reasons for this. The simple reason is that people are embarrassed to let others know that they are struggling. Although this is normal, there’s truly nothing to be embarrassed about. We call our rabbi for assistance with our children, business, or even struggles that we have personally, but with marriage we tend to hold back. People do not reach out for help also be because marriage is a private relationship and we’d rather not let people into our private lives. There are professionals who specialize in this area and keep everything totally confidential, so there is no need to refrain from getting help.
Another reason for waiting to seek help is that we feel maybe things will just work out, or “I’ll figure this one out.” This is also a huge mistake. If you are getting stuck with the same issues over and over again, most likely things will not “just work themselves out.” I’ve spoken to many people who were stuck with the same issue for five to fifty-five years. All they needed was a third party to point out where they were going wrong and to give a few simple tips to get things in order. Just as an example,a woman once called me up in distress and explained to me how overwhelmed she is and how her husband doesn’t help out at all. She drives five kids to school every day and picks them up. Of course, she has asked him to help out and he said he would but never did. I simply advised her to discuss with him the drop off and pickup and what works with her schedule and his. They made simple arrangements. I advised her to let her husband do his job, which most likely entailed letting him oversleep and drive the kids to school late for a day or two. After a week, she had things in order and he offered more help on top of what he was already doing. This is just an example of a couple in distress who needed a few tips to get things in order.
One more reason people refrain from seeking help is plain old stubbornness. Many people will realize that their relationship is not in such a good place, however more times than not, they believe that their spouse is causing all of the problems. They will say things such as, “I don’t need help, you do, go fix yourself.” Or, “Why am I going to couples counseling if I’m not the problem?” Although I do believe that one person can contribute to a bigger percentage of the problems, both spouses are contributing to some part of a relationship issue. This might be a hard pill to swallow but it’s true. Even if you feel as though your spouse is contributing to most of the problems in the relationship (which would need a third party to determine that) you are still part of this relationship and are responsible to do your best to make it work. You may not be at fault, but once you sign up for a marriage you are responsible to make it work. It’s reckless to sit back and wait for your spouse to change or get help. Be proactive, for yourself, your spouse, and your family.