Tammy Sassoon
Sounds like a funny title for an article, but as you read, you will understand how implementing a “You need, I need” approach can turn the most challenging parenting moments into peaceful family interactions.
Balancing Empathy with Limit-Setting in Parenting
Parenting is a dance between showing empathy and setting firm boundaries. While children need to feel understood, they also require structure and guidance to develop into responsible individuals. Striking a balance between these two approaches fosters a secure and nurturing environment in which children can thrive.
We often mistakenly approach our children with our own personal agendas, which we are trying to “get them” to buy into. “I need my kids to finish brushing their teeth, get into bed, stop fighting with siblings,” etc. So, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen. While all these are important goals, the problem with that mindset is that it doesn’t allow children to learn to interact with people respectfully.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of running a home with firm rules, but when we enforce them, we need to do so in a way that shows we believe all people are always worthy of respect.
The Wrong Way:
“Sara, I need you to get in the shower.”
Sara: “Can I finish playing this game?”
Mom: “Sure.”
Ten minutes pass…
Mom: “Sara get in the shower right now. You finished the game and started a new one.”
The message there is that my mom had her agenda and is willing to speak in an unkind way to me as long as I just get in the shower.
The Right Way:
“Sara, I need you to get in the shower.”
Sara: “Can I finish playing this game?”
Mom: “Sure.”
Ten minutes pass…
Mom: “Sara, you told me you wanted to finish the game. What happened?”
Sara: “I just want to play another game.”
Mom: “This game looks like a lot of fun.” Pause for a second so child hears your “connect.” (You have to really empathize because you care about what’s important to your child, not in order to change their behavior. Children always feel our vibes, so if they think you are empathizing because you need to move the night along, they will feel controlled and resist their desire to cooperate)
Mom: “I need you to get into the shower, and you can continue the game after.”
The message there is that my mom has a rule that I have to listen, and she also cares about what I like. Two truths. Hence the strategy “I need, you need.” I need you to be respectful and listen to me, you need to feel respected.
Why the Empathy?
Empathy is at the heart of a strong parent-child relationship. It builds trust. When a child feels heard and understood, they are more likely to develop emotional intelligence and resilience.
Demonstrating empathy means actively listening to your child’s concerns, acknowledging their emotions, and responding in a supportive manner. For this child who was upset about having to stop playing to go shower, another empathetic response might be: “I know you’re having fun, and it’s hard to stop when you’re enjoying yourself.” This acknowledgment helps children feel respected and understood, making them more receptive to following rules.
Why the Limit-Setting
While empathy nurtures emotional well-being, setting limits teaches children discipline, responsibility, and self-regulation. Boundaries provide children with a sense of security and help them to understand acceptable behavior. Without clear limits, children may struggle with self-control, leading to difficulties in social and academic settings.
Effective limit-setting involves consistency, clarity, and fairness. Rules should be age-appropriate and communicated in a way that children understand. For example, if a bedtime is set at 8:30pm, parents should consistently enforce this rule. Teach your children that, “Getting enough sleep helps you feel good and do well in school.”
Balancing Empathy and Limits
Balancing empathy with limit-setting means setting rules while validating your child’s feelings. It helps children feel secure, valued, and guided. This approach fosters emotional intelligence, responsibility, and trust, creating a foundation for healthy development and positive parent-child relationships.
Keep the “I need, you need” phrase in your head so that when you feel challenged you can remind yourself that in your role as a parent, one of your jobs is to enforce the rules and always model being respectful.