QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I’m not sure if this is an issue but it does bother me a lot. I find it hard to connect with my wife due to the fact that she is very quiet and doesn’t speak much. She was always quiet and reserved, but it never really bothered me until recently. Baruch Hashem, we don’t fight but I would still appreciate some advice on how I can connect with someone who doesn’t speak much.
R’ Ali’s Response:
I would like to start with something that Rabbi Shimon Gruen mentions often. If something bothers you, then it’s not trivial. Which means that we all have certain things that bother us and certain things that we’re okay with. What one considers unbearable, someone else may not even notice. Some people can’t handle a messy house while others could care less. The point is, if it bothers you, then you should address it. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean it is a problem, but you’re entitled to ask and search for a solution.
It’s also important for people to know that the person that they married is the same person that they are seeing now, months or years later. You mention that your wife was always quiet. Not to be cynical, but she is who you married. People should know who they’re marrying and accept who they are. Don’t expect someone to change who they are, or even worse, to try to change them. Of course, it goes without saying, unacceptable behavior should be corrected or at least acknowledged.
You mention that you don’t fight. That’s not a small thing in the slightest. It’s the literal definition of shalom bayit,a peaceful home. Unfortunately, there are many people who cannot say the same and pray so hard to be able to say those magic words, “We don’t fight.” Of course, we should always be striving for more and that’s wonderful when people want to better their relationship. It’s important to put things into perspective and realize what is actually going on. Many people equate shalom bayit with, “where I’d like my relationship to be.” Which means, if it’s not where I’d like it to be, my shalom bayit isn’t great. I don’t believe this is true. As I mentioned, shalom bayit means peace in the home. Two people that respect each other, don’t fight, and communicate on a basic level definitely seems peaceful to me.
One more idea before I attempt to answer your question is that you mention this didn’t bother you until recently. I don’t know how long you’re married, but it’s definitely worthwhile to think about why this didn’t bother you when you got married and why “ all of a sudden” this started to bother you. It could be that you have more on your mind and need to talk things out. If that’s the case, you should acknowledge that it’s not your wife’s shy nature and maybe find a friend or family member to speak to more at length. This is just one idea and I could be way off on the reason I am giving you. My point is to give you food for thought and maybe you can identify yourself why all of a sudden this bothers you.
How do you connect with someone when they don’t talk much? Of course, there are people who talk less and are shy by nature, but I have noticed that even shy people can be very talkative. Most people open up and speak a lot when they are in their comfort zone. Some people need to be very relaxed or very comfortable with the person that they are talking to. Others need to be in the right setting. I know many people who open up when they go for a walk or out to eat. There are also many people who have a lot to say but get interrupted often which gives them the cue to just not speak at all.
As I mention often, we should never forget the importance of praying to Hashem and asking Him for assistance, no matter how small we may think our issues are.