Asking Your Age
An elderly Jewish man was called to testify in court.
“How old are you?” asked the District Attorney.
“I am, kayn aynhoreh, 81.”
“What was that?”
“I said, ‘I am, kayn aynhoreh, 81 years old.’”
“Just answer the question!” yelled the D.A., “How old are you!?”
“Kayn aynhoreh, 81,” the old man replied.
The judge said, “The witness will answer the question and only the question or be held in contempt of court!”
The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge, “Your Honor, may I ask?” He turned towards the old man and said, “Kayn aynhoreh, how old are you?”
The old man replied, “Eighty-one!”
Y. S.
A Magician in the Making
“I am going to be a famous magician,” said Eddie to his father, “because I can make a golf ball float.”
Eddie’s father was very curious. “And how do you do that?” he asked.
“Well, it’s very scientific. It requires some magic ingredients,” said Eddie.
Eddie’s father leaned forward in his chair. “Oh, really?” he said. “And what are they?”
“Well, the golf ball, of course. And then two scoops of ice cream and some root beer.”
Francine M.
Just to be Safe….
A woman goes to her doctor with some concerns about her memory. She tells him that she forgets to pay bills, mail letters, and get groceries. And she can’t remember where she’s going or what she needs when she gets there. She looks quite worried and asks her doctor, “What can I do?”
The doctor replies, “Pay me in advance.”
Ikey S.
Bicycle Trouble
The first time my son rode a bike with training wheels, I shouted, “Step back on the pedals and the bike will brake!”
He nodded but still rode straight into a bush.
“Why didn’t you push back on the pedals?” I asked, helping him up.
“You said if I did the bike would break.”
Rosie Husney
Guilty of Annoyance
A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.”
Defendant: “Wait! When will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later!”
Joey S.
Free at Last
A man who’d been in jail for 20 years began to dig a hole out of prison with nothing but his bare hands and a spoon. He dug for three days and finally got out. He ended up in a preschool, surrounded by small children. He was so happy that he shouted, “I’m free! I’m free!”
A little girl standing next to him replied, “Big deal. I’m four!”
Joseph A. Guindi
Medical Advice
A man visits his doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.”
His doctor replies, “Don’t answer!”
Jack V.
The Truant Child
Teacher: “Mrs. Jones, I asked you to come in to discuss Johnny’s appearance.”
Mrs. Jones: “Why? What’s wrong with his appearance?”
Teacher: “He hasn’t made one in this classroom since September!”
Rosie S.
Some Uncle!
A man calls his brother with a request. He says, “As you know I’m going on a business trip soon, and if my wife gives birth while I’m away, I want you to name the twins.”
“It’ll be an honor to do that for you,” replies the brother.
A month later, the brother calls with news that the twins were born. “Your wife gave birth to a beautiful girl and a handsome boy,” says the brother.
“That’s wonderful! What did you call them?” the man asks.
“I called the girl Denice,” says the brother.
“That’s very pretty. And what did you call the boy?” asks the man.
“I called the boy De nephew.”
Joey B.
A Perfect Ten
Shulem and Pessy Schechter were parents to ten children – six boys and four girls. One night, Shaindy, their oldest, was chatting with her mother about how their parenting style had changed from the first child to the last. Pessy admitted that she had mellowed a lot over the years:
“When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a nickel, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”
Sari K.
Consumer Warning
A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table.
“What are you doing?” asked his mom.
“The box says you shouldn’t eat them if the seal is broken,” said the little boy. “I’m looking for the seal.”
Joseph D.
The Parking Ticket
The other day my wife and I went into town and visited a shop, browsing for a while. When we came out, there was a parking meter cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and I said, “Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dimwit. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So my wife called him a birdbrain. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about ten minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then…our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
Alfred Harary
Classroom Humor
Teacher: “James, do you use bad words?”
James: “No, sir.”
Teacher: “Do you disobey your parents?”
James: “No, sir.”
Teacher: “Come now, you must do something wrong every once in a while!”
James: “I tell lies.”
Gabe D.
Night Owls
Two boys were camping in the backyard. Late at night, they started wondering what time it was. “Start singing really loudly,” one of them suggested.
“How will that help?” asked the other boy.
“Just do it,” insisted the first.
They both started singing as loudly as they could. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, “Keep it down! Don’t you know it’s three o’clock in the morning?!”
Bobby T.
An Unlucky Break
Joey was playing in the schoolyard when he fell down and broke his right arm. His friend came running up to him with a big smile on his face. “Wow, Joey, you’re so lucky! Now you don’t have to take any exams!”
“Actually, I’m really unlucky,” replied Joey.
“What makes you say that?” the friend asked.
“I’m left-handed,” Joey moaned. “I meant to fall on my other arm.”
Carole H.