Picky Parrot
Mr. Rabinowitz is traveling to Israel. The customs officer asks him what he has in his heavy suitcase and he responds, “Birdfeed for my parrot.”
The officer is still suspicious and opens it. It’s all coffee! “Didn’t you say it was birdfeed for your parrot?” asks the officer.
Mr. Rabinowitz responds, “If she doesn’t eat it, that’s her problem!”
Morris T.
A Three-Hour Tour
A passenger ship pushed off from the port in Haifa and traveled a route around the Mediterranean Sea. During the trip, one passenger noticed a bearded man on a small island who was shouting desperately and waving his hands.
“Who is that?” the passenger asked the captain.
“I have no idea,” replied the captain, “but he seems like a strange fellow.”
“Why do you says that?” asked the passenger.
“Because every time we pass by this small island, he keeps yelling at us like a maniac!”
David H.
Aw... Nuts
Rabbi Epstein is known for practicing the mitzvah of bikur cholim – visiting the sick. One day, Rabbi Epstein is visiting Mrs. Hyman who was battling a nasty flu. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. “Mind if I have a few?” he asks.
“No, not at all!” Mrs. Hyman replies.
They chat for an hour and as Rabbi Epstein stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. “I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” Mrs. Hyman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
Sherry K.
Lumberjack Needed
A large, well-established Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, Avrumel, a skinny little teenager, showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjack’s door.
The head lumberjack took one look at little Avrumel and told him to leave. “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said Avrumel.
“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”
Avrumel headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door.
“I cut the tree down,” said Avrumel. The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”
“In the Sahara Forest,” replied little Avrumel.
“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.
Avrumel laughed and answered back, “Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!”
Maurice A.
Penny for Your Thoughts
One night Rivkah found her husband Shmuel standing over their newborn baby’s crib.
Silently, Rivkah watched him. As Shmuel stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by his unusual display of deep emotions, Rivkah felt her eyes grow moist.
She approached her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear lovingly.
“It’s amazing,” Shmuel replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $39.95!”
Marlene F.
One Tough Customer
Mrs. Rosenbaum was known for being a difficult customer at the local grocery store.
“Give me two pounds of oranges,” she asked the saleswoman, “But I need you to wrap every orange up in separate pieces of paper.”
“And three pounds of cherries, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too.” The saleswoman obliged.
“And what is that over there?” Mrs. Rosenbaum asked pointing to a bushel in the corner. “Those are raisins,” said the saleswoman, “but they are not for sale!”
Nancy B.
Bad Credit
A customer comes into Moshe’s Furniture Warehouse and wants to pay for his purchase by check. The clerk just looks at him and points to the sign on the wall:
“There are two very good reasons why we won’t take your check. Either we don’t know you, or we DO know you.”
Ralph S
Worried About Benny
Mrs. Stern was worried that her three-year-old son Benny was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.
“Right,” said the shrink, “We’ll just try a few simple tests.” To Benny, he said, “Say a few words – anything that comes into your mind.”
Benny turned to his mother and asked, “Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?”
Laurie G.
A Real Bargain
“Good morning, sir,” Morty says as he greets the salesman. “I came to this store because I don’t like to bargain.”
“Well, you’ve come to the right place,” says the salesman. “We’re strictly a one-price outfit.”
“Excellent. I like that blue suit over there. How much is it?”
“Like I said, I don’t fool around with bargaining. So, I’m not going to ask $250 for this suit, or even $235. I’m going to give you my best price: $220.”
“Well, you’re my kind of businessman,” Morty says. “That’s why I’m here. I won’t fool around and offer you $160 for that suit, or even $175. I’ll give you $200 for it.”
“You can have it for $210.”
“I’ll take it!”
Jacky K.
Doctor Visit
Mr. Levy lives in Tel Aviv and rushes to see his doctor, looking very worried and all strung out.
He rattles off, “Dr. Cohen, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”
Dr. Cohen looks him over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, “Well, Mr. Levy, I do have some good news for you. There’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
Eddie M.
Bedtime Ritual
Little Shloimie Rothbart had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother’s patience was wearing thin. “If I hear you call ‘Mommy’ one more time, you will be punished,” she warned him sternly.
For a while it was quiet, and then she heard a small voice call from the top of the stairs, “Mrs. Rothbart? Can I have a drink of water?”
Ronnie C.