Mozelle Forman
My husband asked me what I had planned for the day. This was my answer: “I am preparing the documents for my mom’s tax return, then taking her to the grocery store. After, I will be cooking with my daughter for Pesach and then babysitting for her two-year-old while she takes the other children to the dentist. Then, I will drive home, meet with two clients, prepare dinner, and write an article for Community Magazine.” The world around me labels me as part of the “sandwich generation.” Me, I call myself “exhausted.”
I am not alone. According to statistics, 54 percent of adults in the United States are considered the “caught in the middle” generation, caring for their children while also caring for their parents – whether financially, physically, or emotionally. My peers, who are also caring for grandchildren, are considered the “club sandwich” generation as we have multi-levels of responsibility.
Juggling and Emotional Overload
We are truly a blessed community where the term “sandwich generation” is a way of life. Walk into any house during any of our haggim, or many houses in Deal in the summer, to find three or four generations cohabiting. This is how we all live, with no need for fancy names or titles. We are mothers and daughters, sisters and friends, always. We nurture and take care of our family. And we’re stressed out. This does not negate our gratitude that our loved ones are close by and that we get to share our time with them. Caring for our family is a fact of our life that we cherish and need support to navigate. So much so, that I was asked to run a support group for my sandwich cohorts as caring for our elderly parents adds an extra layer of gratefulness and stress.
When asked about the roles we play, we can tick off the many chores we perform, as I did for my husband. What we often can’t articulate is the invisible labor that goes into caregiving – the emotional load we carry that often goes unnoticed and is undervalued, even by ourselves.
Carrying the emotional load of a family refers to the unseen effort of remembering and thinking through solutions before anyone else even realizes there’s a problem. For instance, the simple act of having to remember to pay Mom’s bills and schedule her doctor’s appointment and to buy balloons for your granddaughter’s Humash play, takes emotional energy. Keeping track of which pantry items are running low, what needs replenishing and mentally planning for the next grocery trip requires us to be fully in the moment and the future simultaneously like when we plan our sedermenu while listening to the megillah.
Even if we’re not directly handling every task, the cognitive load means we’re still the one overseeing, recalling, and anticipating needs. Think of it as maintaining a mental to-do list of ongoing projects and deadlines in your mind – all day, every day. This type of mental labor, this constant state of “being on top of things,”demands significant mental space because you feel that you’re never truly “off duty.” Having to care for your parents in addition to your own family adds more to your mental load, which can lead to chronic stress.
Antidotes
The antidote to this emotional overload is to delegate some of the tasks on your mental to-do list. Even family members who live far away can pitch in financially, call to schedule doctor appointments, and regularly check in on a parent by phone. Keep the lines of communication open with your family with regular family meetings. Discuss concerns anyone is having about your parents and have everyone commit to tasks that are needed. Expect that it may not be done exactly as you would have done it and move on.
Another antidote to emotional overload is expressed in this motto: Loving others requires knowing how to say “yes.” Loving yourself requires knowing when to say “no.”
We have perfected the first half of this life lesson. We are conditioned to say yes, to offer a helping hand, and to volunteer for myriad causes. In order to succeed at “loving ourselves,” we need to develop the skills and the language necessary to sometimes say “no” comfortably and without guilt. Many of us have a negative visceral reaction when we would like to say no. So, exploring the myths surrounding the word “no” is beneficial.
ValidReasons to Say, “No”
No, it is not mean to say “no.”It’s a struggle to say no if you feel guilty or obligated. This might happen when a request comes from a loved one you don’t want to disappoint. Even if someone important to you is the one asking a favor, it doesn’t mean your time and energy aren’t valuable. Saying, “I’m afraid I’m not available today” is perfectly acceptable – whether it’s your daughter asking you to babysit or your mom asking you to take her to the salon.
No, it is not selfish to take some time for oneself and delegate responsibilities to someone else.Taking care of yourself, while taking care of everyone else, can feel overwhelming. The best thing you can do for yourself and those you care for is to take care of your own needs. Because this can feel impossible at times, put on the calendar what you’re doing for yourself, and then plan work and caregiving around that. That means giving yourself permission to block out time for whatever gives you joy – whether it’s going to the gym, meeting with a friend, or going to a book group. If you don’t make your health and well-being a priority and something happens to you, who will take care of everyone else?
“No” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to explain or justify your decision unless you feel comfortable doing so. It’s polite to give a brief explanation of why you are saying “no.” This can help soften your answer and help the person understand why you decline. You can politely say, “Unfortunately, I have too much to do today. I can help another time.” This shows both your commitment to your own schedule and your willingness to help.
A Mix of Feelings and Emotions
As we care for our aging loved ones, we experience numerous emotions. There is often anxiety about the future, how to best care for parents, and the potential financial strain of providing care. And regardless of how much we do, we may feel guilty about not being able to do more for our parents and simultaneously guilty about the impact our busy-ness is having on our husbands and children. Let the guilt go! It doesn’t serve anyone.
Frustration and anger can arise from the challenges of caregiving, the feeling of being unable to fulfill parental expectations, or even from the parent’s own reluctance to accept help. So many of my friends have complained that their parent does not take their advice or suggestions.
Parents Pushing Back
One friend shared, “When I proposed to my mom that she attend a program at DSN, she wasn’t interested – she said there were too many old people there!” Another friend expressed frustration that her mother would never go to the doctor. “She has these aches and pains but refuses to be seen and if we finally convince her to go, she doesn’t follow the doctor’s directions or take the medication he prescribed.”
It’s hard dealing with a parent who suddenly reminds us of a recalcitrant child who won’t abide by the rules. Here is where finesse is required; Mom or Dad have to be brought to the decision with respect and patience. Give them time to get used to an idea, especially one that further limits their independence, like when it is time for them to stop driving. They are silently grieving all the losses they are encountering as they age – the loss of friends or spouses, the diminishment of their sight, hearing, and mobility and their necessary, sometimes uncomfortable, reliance on their children. They may understandably be irritable, sad, or depressed; they don’t want to be a burden to anyone.
Watching parents decline in health and become dependent can be a source of deep sadness for us as well. We are grieving the loss of our vibrant parents whom we have depended on. One client shared: “Gone are my larger-than-life figures, the couple who have been married for 61 years and built their own business from the ground up. Now I have two elderly loved ones who need me to take care of them.”
Help Parents to Feel in Control
We see them diminish in health, the ability to care of themselves, and to engage in their previous lifestyle and social interactions. And yet, they are our parents so we must help them preserve whatever independence they currently enjoy and not make decisions for them without their input. It’s important that we help our parents to feel they are still in control of their lives.
For more insights and support come to the workshop sponsored by Shaare Tefilah (The Eatontown Synagogue) in Eatontown, NJ, on May 8th at 11am.