QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I would say that this has been an issue in my marriage for as long as I could remember. At least two to three times a week we argue about money. My wife likes spending lavishly, many times beyond our means, whereas, I like to live a more conservative lifestyle and to save money. She says that I am cheap, but I don’t think so. What does one do when two people just have different approaches to money? Is there any way to deal with this without fighting?
R’ Ali’s Response:
I will address your specific questions, but I’d like to mention a few things that people need to hear on this topic. The peer pressure of the Jewish community can be very intense. Trying to keep up with our friends and neighbors is no easy task. It’s important to understand that some people care very much about keeping up with others and some don’t care so much. If your spouse feels this pressure, it won’t help to debate it. Rather, accept it for what it is and deal with it. This is not to say that your spouse is correct. That is a completely different topic. On the other hand, some people don’t care much about what others are doing and live within their means. It’s important to acknowledge that as a sign of good character and be grateful for that. Calling your spouse “cheap” for not wanting to spend recklessly is wrong and insensitive. The spouse who is calling the other one “cheap” may be looking at a special and noble person and may not even recognize it.
Another important point that I believe all wives must hear, is that your husband cannot “make money.” All he can do is his ownhishtadlut. He works hard because that is what Hashem wants him to do. However,Hashem is the One who ultimately decides how much money he will have. I say this because many women are resentful that their husbands are not “making it” like their friends or family are. If the husband is working hard, there’s not much more that he can do. Complaining to him about his lack of wealth makes him feel horrible, worthless, and possibly makes him feel like a failure.
Getting back to your question. You specifically asked, “What does one do when two people have different approaches?” I have seen many couples with many differences who seem to work their differences out just fine. However, I see other couples with minimal differences who struggle tremendously. It’s not about the differences, rather how you deal with them. If you have a good relationship, respect each other, and communicate nicely, most things will not become major issues. I don’t know the details about your relationship, but money is not usually an issue, even with different approaches, when the relationship is good. This is not to say that you don’t have a good relationship, I’m just giving you food for thought. Maybe you two need to work on communication, not money philosophies.
You mention that your wife keeps spending beyond your means. I’m not sure how you addressed this in the past but it obviously is not working. I have two ideas on how to deal with this specific problem. I call this a problem for obvious reasons. It seems like your wife spends money that you simply don’t have. If you had the money, that would be an entirely different question. The first idea would be to communicate to her in a different way. Until now you probably just argued with her. I have mentioned this approach in the past but it’s worth repeating. Approach your wife when there is no issue at hand. Make sure she and you are both relaxed. Tell her how you’d love to buy her everything that she wants (and mean it). However, we really need to stick to this budget for now. Hopefully, one day we will be able to spend much more. With this approach, it’s not about pointing the finger at “her spending habits,” it’s about the reality.
If this doesn’t work and she says that she needs more money, you should follow up with the next step. You should calculate the exact amount of your monthly income. Then, tell her this is how much I make and this is how much we can spend. Please understand that we cannot go over this budget for now. There are other ideas regarding setting boundaries, but I believe that anything drastic should be spoken over with a professional or a rabbi. I don’t see why you cannot sit down with your wife and a rabbi and propose the question to him.
Wishing you much success, and, of course, if you pray to Hashem for assistance and clarity then you’re sure to have a wonderful relationship.