Tammy Sassoon
One of the most meaningful gifts we can give our children is a healthy relationship with their siblings. While it’s natural for siblings to bicker or compete, it’s also possible and extremely valuable for them to grow up with mutual respect, warmth, and loyalty to each other. Since sibling relationships are often the longest relationships a person will have in their life, it’s very worthwhile to invest time and energy into helping our children value these bonds.
Modeling Appreciation and Respect
The first and most powerful tool we have is modeling. When we speak kindly about each of our children in front of their siblings, we teach them to see the good in one another. Avoid phrases that compare, even subtly, such as, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “Your brother never gives me this kind of trouble.” These statements not only spark rivalry but also make it harder for children to appreciate their siblings’ unique qualities.
Instead, try to regularly express gratitude for each child in ways that highlight their individual strengths: “I really admire how organized your sister is,” or “Your brother is so creative with his drawings.” When children hear others being appreciated, they begin to notice and value those qualities themselves. Be confident that Hashem gave EVERYONE gifts and talents.
Create Opportunities for Connection
Have young children work on a fun project together with parental guidance. Shared experiences build positive memories and help children to see each other as allies rather than adversaries.
For older children, assign joint responsibilities, such as cleaning a shared room or planning a family activity. When children must rely on each other to complete a task, they learn to communicate, problem-solve, and appreciate each other’s contributions.
Validate Feelings
It’s natural for children to feel jealous or annoyed with one another at times. When those feelings surface, listen without judgment. Avoid jumping to conclusions or playing referee. Instead, understand their feelings while keeping your focus on empathy and repair: “It sounds like you felt left out when your sister didn’t include you. What would help you feel more connected next time?” “You look so upset that your brother doesn’t want to let you use his baseball mitt. What would you like to do about your baseball game later?”
Other Point of View
At a moment when the child is not feeling hurt, encourage each child to see situations from the other’s point of view.
“Look how intuitive you are, you realized that Joey felt…” “It takes a lot to get out of our own heads and try to understand someone else’s viewpoint like you are doing. That’s pretty impressive.” This fosters empathy and can turn misunderstandings into teachable moments. Over time, children learn that it’s okay to be upset with a sibling – but that relationships can heal, and appreciation can grow even through challenges.
Celebrate the Relationship
Make a habit of celebrating sibling love in your home. Point out acts of kindness: “That was so thoughtful of you to save the last cookie for your brother.” Acknowledge cooperation: “I noticed how well you two worked together on that Lego project.” Consider traditions that reinforce the bond, such as writing notes to each other on birthdays, making gifts, or sharing “sibling appreciation” moments during family meetings.
Children who grow up hearing and seeing that sibling relationships matter are more likely to invest in them. When parents speak about siblings as friends, teammates, and lifelong companions, they shape their children’s mindset in powerful ways.
A Lasting Legacy
Helping children appreciate their siblings isn’t about eliminating conflict or insisting they always get along. It’s about cultivating an atmosphere of mutual respect, empathy, and support. By guiding our children through both the hard and joyful moments of sibling life, we equip them with the skills to maintain lasting, meaningful relationships.