College Is for the Dogs
A dog named Max is so smart that his master, Chaim, decides to send him to college.
Home for vacation, Chaim asks him how college is going.
“Well,” says Max the dog, “I’m not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages.”
“Really!” says Chaim. “Say something in a foreign language.”
Max the dog says, “Tweet, tweet!”
Barbra F.
Coupon Kid
Shelly sent her ten-year-old son Sammy to pick up a pizza from the local kosher pizza store. Shelly handed Sammy some money and a two-dollar coupon.
Later Sammy came home with the pizza and the coupon. When asked to explain, Sammy replied, “Mom, I had enough money. I didn’t need the coupon!”
David S.
Custom Service
Flying home after a business trip in America, Yossi arrives in Tel Aviv and approaches the customs booth after a long flight.
“What was the purpose of your trip?” the customs agent asks.
“Business,” Yossi replies.
“How long were you away?”
“Seven days.”
“Were you traveling with anyone?”
“I was traveling with my wife,” says Yossi, “But she stayed an extra day with her sister and will be arriving tomorrow.”
Without missing a beat, the officer asks in the same business-like tone: “Will the house be clean by tomorrow? Will the Shabbat flowers be on the table?”
Marlene K.
Ditch ‘Em
Moishe and Miriam Kaplan moved away from the city to a farm as that had always been Miriam’s dream. Moishe was having trouble making ends meet on the farm so he would drive around the backroads seeing if any motorists needed help.
Sure enough, one day, after being bogged down in a muddy ditch, a motorist paid Moishe fifty dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to Moishe, “At those prices, I bet you’d want to pull people out of muddy ditches day and night.”
“I can’t,” replied Moishe.
“Why not?” asked the motorist.
“At night I haul water to the ditch.”
Carl P.
Color Blind
Little Racheli went to the pet store and approached the counter and politely said to the sales representative, “I’m interested in buying a rabbit.”
“Aren’t you a sweetheart,” replied the motherly sales clerk. “We’ve got lots of rabbits. Is there a color that you have in mind? We’ve got some adorable white bunnies in aisle two.”
“Oh,” said Racheli with the wave of a hand. “I don’t think my boa constrictor will care what color the rabbit is.”
Morris B.
Decisions, Decisions
Manny was known to be painfully indecisive, unable to make any kind of decision, whether simple or complicated. One day, Manny goes with his wife Frieda to a local cafe. As soon as they are seated, the waiter goes over to Manny and asks him, “Would you like tea or coffee, sir?”
Manny thinks for a while, then replies, “You know what, I’ll take a half and half.”
Solomon G.
Doctor Dues
Izzy is not well and goes to see Doctor Myers. After examining him, Doctor Myers says, “Well, I can help you, but it will require many sessions.”
“Okay,” says Izzy, “how much is this going to cost me?”
“The 12 sessions plus drugs will cost you $1,000,” replies Doctor Myers.
“Oy,” says Izzy, “I’m not a wealthy man, Doctor. Couldn’t you make it less?”
“Well … I could do it for $850,” replies Doctor Myers.
“It’s still more than I can afford, Doctor,” says Izzy. “I’ve got five children and a wife to support.”
“Okay,” says Doctor Myers, “how about $700?”
“It’s still too high, Doctor,” says Izzy. “My business is doing terrible and my wife has told her mother that she can live with us.”
“Alright already,” says Doctor Myers, “I’ll do it for $600 and not a penny less.”
“Thanks doctor, I can do that,” says Izzy.
“Good,” says Doctor Myers, “but tell me – why did you come to me to seek treatment when you know I’m the most expensive doctor in this area?”
“Well,” replies Izzy, “you’ve got a marvelous reputation and when it comes to my health, money is no object!”
Sion R.
Fast Learner
Ralph applied to a collections agency for a job, but he had no experience. “I’ve never hired somebody without prior training,” said the manager. “But why not?” The manager decided to give him one of the toughest accounts, and figured if Ralph collected, he’d get the job.
Two hours later, Ralph came back with the entire amount. “Amazing!” the manager said. “How did you do it?” “Easy,” Ralph replied. “’I told him if he didn’t pay up, I’d tell all his other creditors he paid us!”
Linda D.
Cough It Up
Little Eli swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, so his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took Eli by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out.
“I don’t know how to thank you, doctor,” Eli’s mother said.
“I’m not a doctor,” the man replied. “I’m from the tuition committee.”
Alan N.
Deli Drive
One day, a New York state trooper was pulling off the highway and as he turned onto the street, he noticed someone pulling out of Joe’s Kosher Deli. But the driver placed his pastrami on rye on top of his car, got in, and drove off with the sandwich still on top of his car.
So, the trooper decided to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his sandwich. He pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the deli sandwich off the roof, and offered it to the driver.
The driver, an old Jewish man, looked at the trooper and said, “No thanks. I just bought one.”
Alan R.
Don’t Forget the Ice Cream
Morty and Millie Rosenberg, an elderly couple living in a Florida retirement community, were watching television one evening. Millie said, “I am going to get a dish of ice cream now.” Kindly, Morty offered to get the ice cream for his wife. “I’ll write it down so you don’t forget,” Millie said.
“I won’t forget,” Morty said.
“But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it, so I’ll write it down,” Millie replied.
“I will get you the ice cream. Don’t you worry,” Morty replied.
A few minutes later, Morty returned with gefilte fish and herring. Millie said, “See, I should have written it down because you forgot the kugel.”
Alice S.