QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I have been married for 14 years. From the beginning, things were rocky and we knew we needed to seek out help. We were guided to speak with a marriage counselor. Fourteen years later and five therapists later we are pretty much exactly where we started. Maybe we had some success, but ultimately ended up with the same old issues. Are we doing something wrong ? Why can’t we get it right ? I’d appreciate any perspective as I do appreciate your marriage insights. Thank you.
R’ Ali’s Response:
With Hashem’s help, I will offer some ideas as to why you are possibly not “getting it right,” and suggest some ideas as to what you can do to head in the right direction. Unfortunately, this situation is not uncommon, as many of my clients complain about the same thing.
When seeking help in marriage (and all areas of life for that matter ) we have to know what it is that we’re looking for. Yes, of course, we’re looking to get our marriage in order or better our relationship, but what exactly do we want ? Do we want a third party to explain to our spouse where they’re going wrong? If so, this approach will inevitably fail (for the most part). This is one of the reasons that I see couples “therapy hopping.” There are three problems with this approach.
One, your spouse may get defensive and feel attacked if they sense that all you want to do is fix them. It’s irrelevant if they are the cause of the problems or not, most people don’t want to be told they are “the problem.”
Two, out of fear or force, they may agree to change things that they either can’t change or need a lot of time to change. For example, a wife may complain that her husband is not “present” when they are together. He may promise to be “present” from now on. This gives the wife false hope and leaves her frustrated when eventually she sees him “slipping up.”
And third, when one person believes that they are fine and there’s nothing for them to do, while their spouse is faulty, then basically one person is getting “helped,” while the other is waiting around. Meaning to say it never turned into “couples” therapy at all. The couple will continue this cycle with the counselor until they realize they are going nowhere, which causes them to discard the therapist for another.
The next approach is when there are many disagreements, and the couple is looking for someone to “decide” who is wrong and who is right. Each one assumes they are “right” and would like the third party to side with them. I’m assuming they’re hoping the therapist will finally explain to their spouse how they were mistaken all of these years! This fails for obvious reasons and in turn on to the next.
The last approach is better, but also has flaws. When two people are willing to hear someone out (and not put the blame on one another) but become upset at the therapist when they are told that they need to work on certain things they disagree with or they weren’t “validated,” which turns them off.
I don’t know if this is your situation but I’ve seen these scenarios so many times it’s very likely you fall under one of these categories. Also, it is worthwhile entertaining the possibility that all five counselors were not missing the mark. That’s a lot of professionals who are unable to help.
So, how should a professional be approached? In my opinion it’s with humility and unity. “WE are not understanding each other (unity). WE are not getting anywhere, let’s go to a professional and see how WE can work this out. If both parties have an understanding that it’s not me vs. you, rather WE together are stuck, your starting point is much better. The attitude of “maybe we’re missing something” is a winning attitude. “Maybe I’m doing something wrong,” (humility) is a way to be successful with marriage counseling.
Let’s take a common scenario to understand this better: husband and wife have been arguing about finances for years. One says the other is cheap, the other says the other is an over spender. This can go on for years with each one proving their point with zero success. At this point, the couple should stop and say, “Hey, we obviously see things differently and need some help to sort things out, let’s reach out for advice on how to deal with our differences.” Maybe it’s time to approach the marriage counselor in a unified and humble way, and with Hashem’s help you will finally have seen your last marriage counselor.