Spiritual Check Up
Marvin is at his doctor for a physical. Dr. Epstein runs some tests and says to Marvin, “Well, Marvin, for an 82-year-old man you are in top condition physically. But how about mentally and spiritually?”
“What do you mean, doc?” asks Marvin.
“Well how is your connection with Gd, for example?”
Marvin says, ”Oh me and Gd? We’re tight. We have a real bond, He’s good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.”
Well, upon hearing this, Dr. Epstein was concerned.
He called Marvin’s wife and said, “’I’d like to speak to you about your husband. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, Gd turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves.”
She replies, “Oy vey. He’s been using the refrigerator again!”
Jake D.
Hashem Knows
One day Lisa was explaining to her young son Mikey that you should never tell a lie. She told him that Hashem saw everything and heard everything.
She explained, “Even though your father and I may not know if you are telling a lie, Hashem will know.”
Little Mikey replied, “But will He tell?”
Miriam T.
Old Mrs. Scheiner
Old Mrs. Scheiner was a tough lady who liked to walk wherever she could. But one day descending the stairs of her third-floor apartment, she broke her leg. As the doctor put on her cast, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.
“Can I climb stairs now?” asked old Mrs. Scheiner. “Yes,” he replied.
“Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m tired of shimmying up and down that drainpipe every day!”
Nancy S.
Shoe Sale
Friday was Shira’s day for carpool, so she picked up her daughter and some other classmates to take them home. As it happened, Shira’s daughter needed new shoes and she saw that her friend Rivky had some nice ones.
“Rivky,” Shira commented, “I see you got new shoes! Where did you get them?”
“At the store,” Rivky answered.
“Which one?” Shira asked.
Rivky began looking at her new shoes and after a pause said, “Both of them!”
Alan K.
Two Left Feet
Zadie was coming over to take his grandson David to the park.
“Okay David, we’re going to the park!” said Zadie. “Go get your shoes on!”
Being only four years old, David said, “Okay, but will you tie them for me?”
“Sure,” Zadie replied with a big smile.
David bolted into the next room to put on his shoes, returning with a big smile and the shoes on the wrong feet.
Looking at his shoes, Zadie smiled and said, “David, your shoes are on the wrong feet.”
David looked down, then looked back at Zadie with a very sad face and replied, “These are the only feet I have.”
Sarah C.
In the Bag
Last year, Chaim Yankel had a large company fly him out for a meeting. It was his first time in business class.
During the return flight the stewardess gave Chaim Yankel some gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, he decided to save them for later, so he placed them in an air sickness bag.
After the plane landed Chaim Yankel got up to leave and a stewardess approached him. She asked, “Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?”
Chaim Yankel replied, “No thanks, I’m saving it for my kids.”
Danny S.
Riding It Out
Morty decided enough was enough – he was going to join a gym and start getting in shape. He joined an aerobics class and the instructor had everyone lie on their backs with their legs up as if pedaling a bike. After several minutes, Morty suddenly stopped.
“Why did you stop pedaling?” the instructor shouted to Morty.
“I didn’t stop,” Morty said, wheezing. “I’m going downhill!”
Joey T.
Bless You
The Applebaums were teaching their five-year-old son Moishe how to make berachot before he ate. He was having some trouble so his mother told him that if he can’t remember what to say, he can just say, “Thank you, Hashem, for this delicious food.”
One evening, however, Moishie’s mother noticed that he thanked Hashem for the birds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked Gd to watch over his family and help them all. Moishie’s mother thought it was so cute and heartfelt.
But after Moishie took a spoonful of soup, he gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. “I should have said a longer prayer,” he said. “My food is still too hot.”
Elizabeth D.
Fish Cake
Josh walks into Yossi’s Kosher Fish Mart with a fish under his arm.
“Do you have any fishcakes?” Josh asks.
“Yes, of course,” says Yossi, the store owner.
“Great,” replies Josh, nodding at the fish under his arm. “Today’s his birthday!”
Morris M.
Helping Hand
Morris was having trouble in school so his father decided to start tutoring him. Unfortunately, his grades were not improving.
“Look at this paper!” Mr. Applebaum said to Morris, frustrated. “How could one person make so many mistakes!?”
“It wasn’t one person!” Morris replied defensively. “My father helped!”
Elana G.
Map Quest
Professor Hadari was teaching advanced map reading in his earth sciences class at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes Professor Hadari asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude, and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a moment of silence, a student named Itzik volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
David M.
Dreaming in Hebrew
Joey was having some trouble in Hebrew class.
To encourage him, his teacher, Mrs. Shalva, said, “You’ll know you’re really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in Hebrew.”
One day, Joey ran into class all excited, saying, “Mrs. Shalva! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in Hebrew!”
“Great!” said Mrs. Shalva. “What were they saying?”
“I don’t know,” Joey replied. “I couldn’t understand them.”
Michael B.
A Big Pain
“Oy!” groaned old Samuel. “I must have appendicitis,” he said as he clutched his left side.
“It can’t be appendicitis,” said his wife, Myra, confidently.
“How do you know?” asked Samuel. “You are a doctor all of a sudden?”
“I’m not a doctor but I do know that your appendix is on the right side of your body.”
“Aha!” said Samuel. “THAT’s why it hurts so much. My appendix is on the wrong side!”
Eli A.