QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
Thank you for your monthly articles, I have gained so much clarity in my relationship. I was wondering if you have any tips on how to deal with lying. How do I get my husband to admit when he was wrong? He will deny that I caught him lying or get upset at me for interrogating him. He also tells me he will be home at a certain time but comes home much later without apologizing. Is there a way to get him to see that he is wrong?
R’ Ali’s Response:
I’m glad that you are gaining from the articles, that’s wonderful. It’s also great that you reached out with your own personal question. People can be stuck with an issue for years for no reason. Most of the time a simple answer can dramatically alter someone’s relationship for the better.
You should know that your type of question is not uncommon. Most, if not all of the questions that people ask me are common. The scenarios will differ from one couple to the next but the root of the issues is common. The reason I mention this is to make people feel that they are normal and to encourage them to ask for help.
So, you want to know what to do with a lying spouse, how to put a stop to it, and get him to admit he’s wrong. Well, that’s a tall order! I would rather give a different perspective. As a matter of fact, you yourself have probably tried many clever ways of putting a stop to the lying. Maybe it’s time to look at things from a different perspective.
I like to ask my clients two questions. The first is, why do you think that your spouse is lying? When I ask people this, most of the time they say, “I don’t know.” Now, this doesn’t justify a spouse not being honest with you, but it’s worthwhile understanding their motive for what you see as their being dishonest. When you understand why your spouse behaves the way they do, it can help remove a lot of frustration. It can also help you approach situations in an entirely different way.
Most of the time a spouse is not being honest due to one of two reasons. The more common one is fear. They are scared to tell you the truth because they know good and well what your reaction
will be, and that reaction is anything but pleasant. Let’s take a common scenario. Someone would like to spend time with a friend. They know that their spouse won’t be happy with this idea. They now have a choice, to tell the truth and deal with the unpleasant reaction, or to make up a story to avoid the friction.
If you can identify that this is where you are going wrong, you will have accomplished two things. One, you possibly won’t feel deceived or tricked. Understanding that they are being put in a situation that they don’t know how to handle can make you see them as “stuck” rather than a compulsive liar. And practically speaking, you can avoid these lies going forward.
You can contemplate that maybe you aren’t giving them the space that they need and then you will not be bothered so much when they want to go out with friends. This way they will be more open to telling you where they’re going. If this is too hard, you can be more communicative in the future. For example; instead of saying, “You’re hanging out with them again?!” You can say “I’d like to spend time with you as well,” or “I need your help at home, can you please come help – and then go out?”
Again, this is just one scenario, but the point is to communicate in a way that will encourage transparency. Clearly, I would advise your spouse to do the same thing. Be more communicative and not fear transparency.
The second question that I ask my clients is, “Are you sure they’re lying?” To this most people will say, “Yes!” However, from my experience, many times people jump to conclusions and assume the worst. This point needs more elaboration, which is beyond the scope of this article.
To summarize, it’s important to analyze your situation. Is your spouse really lying and if they are, what part am I playing in this? And, of course, pray to Hashem that He gives you the siyata d’shmaya that you need to have a successful relationship.