Keyboard Diagnosis
I told my friend my laptop was driving me crazy.
“The ‘A’ and ‘I’ keys always stick,” I said.
She quickly diagnosed the problem: “Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.”
Jack B.
A Copy Catastrophe
A young executive found the CEO staring helplessly at the shredder.
“This is an important document,” the CEO said. “Can you make this machine work?”
“Of course,” said the executive, turning it on and feeding the paper in.
“Excellent!” the CEO beamed. “I just needed one copy.”
A.C.
Super Interview Skills
At a job interview, the manager asked, “What are your greatest strengths and weaknesses?”
The applicant replied,
“My main weakness is that I struggle with reality. I can’t always tell fantasy from real life.”
“And your strengths?”
“I’m Batman!”
Freddy C.
Delayed Payments
While shopping, Ari ran into a customer.
“Abe, you still owe me $1,000. When will I get it?”
“Don’t worry, Ari. You’ll get it tomorrow.”
“Oy, not again! You always say that, then call to say you can’t pay. Last week, last month, three months ago—”
“Enough already,” interrupted Abe. “Didn’t I call every time like I promised?”
Melanie E.
Tech Support Dad
My dad recently decided to become “tech-savvy,” which mostly means he now calls me every time his screen goes dark.
Last week, he called in a panic:
“Son, the internet is gone.”
“Gone?” I asked. “What do you mean?”
“The whole thing! I clicked something and now it’s just… white!”
I asked him to describe what he saw.
“There’s a little picture of a plug and it says ‘no connection.’”
“Dad,” I said, “you just unplugged the router.”
He paused and then said, completely serious:
“So… is there a button to plug it back in?”
Robert S.
Return to Sender
My grandfather doesn’t trust online shopping.
Last month, he accidentally ordered a sweater in the wrong size. Instead of returning it online, he took it to the post office and said,
“I’d like to un-buy this.”
The clerk tried to explain the return process. He shook his head and said,
“I paid real money. I want a real person to fix it.”
Eventually, the clerk helped him print a return label.
As he left, Grandpa turned back and said,
“You know, in my day, we used to go to a store, try something on, and if it didn’t fit… we just didn’t buy it in the first place. Revolutionary, huh?”
Nadine M.
Familiar Face in Court
As a judge, I once faced a defendant who looked strangely familiar.
I checked his record – a career criminal, except for one eight-year gap.
“Milton,” I asked, “how did you manage to stay out of trouble for eight years?”
“I was in prison,” he replied. “You should know – you put me there.”
“That’s impossible. I wasn’t even a judge back then.”
“No,” he said with a grin. “You were my lawyer.”
Hymie G.
The Seed Family
Q: What did Baby Seed say to Mommy Seed?
A: Where’s Poppy Seed?
David A.
K is for Confusion
Callie signed up for a Spanish class with a Hispanic teacher.
“I’m not familiar with your name,” he said. “Does it start with a K?”
“No,” she said. “It’s spelled with a C.”
From then on, he called her “Kallie.”
Fortune D.
Dream Vacation
Rachel asked her manager, David, for a day off.
He said, “There are 365 days in a year.
You get weekends off: that’s 104 days. Now we’re down to 261.
You sleep 16 hours a day? That’s 170 more gone – only 91 left.
Coffee breaks take 23 days. Lunch adds up to 46. Now just 22.
You get 2 sick days. 5 holidays. 14 vacation days.
That leaves just 1 day of actual work.
And now you want that one off?”
Abie F.
The GPS Knows Too Much
My car’s GPS has developed a personality. I swear it’s passive-aggressively judging me.
Last week, I missed a turn and it calmly said, “Recalculating… again.”
Then I got stuck in traffic and it muttered, “This would have been avoided if we took my route.”
Then yesterday, I stopped at the drive-thru for fries.
The GPS just went silent. Totally quiet.
Finally, after three minutes of judgmental silence, it said,
“Proceed to the highlighted route… and perhaps a salad.”
Lisa T.
A Letter Perfect Riddle
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has thousands of letters?
A: The post office!
Sharon P.
Line Cutter Justice
It was the morning of a big tech sale, and the line was out the door by 8:30am.
A small man tried to push to the front, but was quickly shoved back.
On his second try, he was punched and thrown to the end of the line again.
Dusting himself off, he muttered,
“If they hit me one more time, I’m not opening the store.”
Marty J.
Identity Confirmed
At checkout, the clerk noticed I hadn’t signed my credit card.
“I can’t complete the transaction unless your card is signed,” she said.
So I signed the card in front of her.
She compared it to the receipt I had just signed.
They matched.
Phew!
Nathan H.
Hard to Tell
A mechanic friend loaned me a junker while I saved for a car.
It was so beat up, even its dents had dents.
One afternoon, I saw a police officer and a woman inspecting it.
“I saw her hit your car,” said the officer, “but I can’t figure out where.”
Esther K.
Beachside Wisdom
Savta Esther, a tough Israeli grandmother, was at the beach with her grandkids when a man approached.
“Please, Geveret,” he begged, “I haven’t eaten all day.”
She looked him up and down and said,
“Good. Now you won’t get cramps when you go swimming.”
Rena B.
Doggy Daycare Drama
We took our new puppy to doggy daycare. When we picked him up, the woman at the counter handed him over and whispered, “He’s… very spirited.”
“Spirited?” I asked. “Like… playful?”
She said, “More like… he started a revolution in the small dog room.”
Apparently, while we were enjoying a peaceful lunch, our puppy had convinced the others to dig a tunnel under the fence, chew through three toys, and redistribute all the treats “fairly.”
We asked what we should do.
She said, “Maybe… obedience school. Or politics.”
Joey L.