Ellen Kamaras
More than ever, parents are intent on raising resilient children who are equipped to face life’s challenges, both present and future.
Resilience is not a new concept. However, recent events have made us realize the importance of cultivating resiliency. Think back to the uncertainty stemming from the pandemic, the spike in anti-Semitism even before 2020, and the events of October 7th and the resulting anti-Israel response.
We are raising our children in a rapidly evolving world, one that is very different than the one we grew up in. How can we prepare them to succeed? How can we avoid passing on our own anxiety and discomfort with uncertainty to our children?
Resilience and Pivoting
Let’s provide some context before we delve into strategies.
The words “resilience” and “pivot” became the buzz words of the year in 2020 as individuals, businesses, and not-for-profit organizations assessed their responses to the pandemic and navigated the required changes to their lives and processes. Both concepts were practiced in tandem as we adapted to the new normal.
As Jews, resilience became an essential tool to fight rising anti-Semitism after Hamas viciously attacked and killed more than 1,200 innocent men, women, and children on October 7th. Our resilience required not only perseverance but also the ability to adapt to adverse events.
What is resilience? It is the ability to cope with and recover from setbacks. It is about bouncing back from adversity, learning from setbacks, and adapting to continuous change.
A resilient person has strong coping skills, can marshal their available resources, ask for help when needed, and find ways to manage the situation they are facing.
Pivoting is the process of changing direction when the current strategy is not working. Just like a GPS recalibrates when we take a wrong turn, we have learned to recalibrate and pivot our strategies for surviving daily.
A Hot Topic
Parents and children are living in a world that is in a perpetual state of flux. When change is the norm, adaptability and resilience are critical tools for survival and for strong mental health. We experience global events such as wars, fires, hurricanes, economic fluctuations, technological shifts, and more.
The only thing we can know with certainty is that life will keep throwing us curveballs.
So it is crucial to help our kids develop their resilience and agility.
Home Sweet Home
Let’s start with the home. Kids need to feel safe and secure in their home environment not only physically but also emotionally. Parents want their children to feel safe and comfortable with who they are.
Ideally, we want our children to develop a secure attachment style. A secure attachment style is created when a child feels confident that their caregiver will be able to provide comfort and safety in times of stress. This pattern of trust continues as they grow into adulthood, generally creating positive, close relationships.
Create a safe space where your kids can explore who they are, share their feelings, and discover what is important to them. This means establishing a stable home environment with structure, routine, and security.For example, kids benefit from predictable schedules for meals, bedtime, play time, and family time.
We want our children to feel safe emotionally at home. To do this we must create a non-judgmental haven. Let kids know they can discuss any issue, big or small, without feeling judged. This means encouraging siblings to make home a judgment-free zone for everyone.
Work on building your children’s self-esteem. Acknowledge and applaud their efforts and accomplishments. Help them learn that mistakes are opportunities for growth.
Current Events and Exposure to Media
Practice open communication about current events and concerns. Actively listen and be present when your child articulates fears or anxieties. (Yes, put your phone away.) Respond to questions honestly and in as clear and simple terms as you can. Do not dismiss or minimize their worries.
Limiting your children’s exposure to media stressors can help to reduce their anxiety.
Be aware of their media consumption and exposure to adult conversations that might increase their anxiety.
In discussing current events and other concerns, first think about what you want to say. Strive for clarity, and adjust what you say to what your kids can handle. No easy feat!
You can start by asking your child what they have heard. It is preferable to hear about very difficult topics such as death, trauma, or anti-Semitism, from Mom or Dad rather than from another child. Next, ask your children if they have any questions and how they feel about what has happened. Older kids may ask more questions than younger ones.
Use age-appropriate but real language. It is okay if you do not have all the answers or you cannot make predictions. You can say, “I don’t know the answer, but we could research it.” Determine what your child is really asking. Do they want more information, or do they need reassurance that you will keep them safe?
Even your preschoolers may hear about tragic or catastrophic events or have overheard news reports. Do not assume they have not been exposed.
Provide Space for Questions and Fears
When we help our children navigate the present, we can help them prepare for a lifetime of unknowns. Give them space to express how uncertainty feels and model calmness. Clinical psychologist and Professor of Psychology at Roosevelt University in Chicago, Dr. Steven Myers says, “You can certainly talk about possible or likely outcomes. You can even talk about what you hope will happen. But trying to protect your child from uncertainty altogether is not helpful to them.”
Share basic information and avoid graphic or unnecessary details about tragic situations. Keep young kids away from graphic and violent images and sounds that pop up on TV and the internet. Radio news can include violence and frightening information. You may want to switch it off when your young kids are in the car. Be aware of what is out there and talk to your children about what they may hear or see.
It is key for parents to reassure their children that it is normal for scary things to bother them.
Follow up to see if your kids have more questions and notice any difficulties they may be experiencing. Are they having nightmares, are they extra clingy or emotional?
Mamdani Anxiety
How have you tackled with your kids the election of the first Muslim mayor who has a long history of anti-Israel and pro-Palestinian activism?
A day before the election, the NY Jewish community teemed with anxiety about Mamdani. A day after the election, Rabbi Shlomo Farhi of Manhattan posted a video full of hizuk, positivity, and emunah. We have faced worst and won. He told parents that we do not get to be afraid. We will do what we have to do to keep our families safe. Children look to their parents for safety.
Modeling for Our Kids
Modeling coping strategies and calm behavior to our children is crucial to raising resilient kids. A great resource is the book Between Parents and Child by Dr. Haim Ginott. Published in 1965 and revised and updated in 2003, it is still relevant today, offering a framework for empathetic yet disciplined child rearing. One of his important lessons is about modeling. Dr. Ginott taught that the best way to teach children manners was by using them yourself in their presence.
The American Academy of Pediatrics’ website HealthyChildren.org provides guidance that is consistent with Dr. Ginott. “Children learn by watching everyone around them, especially their parents. When you use manners and good coping strategies, you teach your children to do the same.”
Explain to your children how you deal with your own normal anxieties.
Overcoming Fears Gradually
Focus on building your child’s confidence in his/her ability to cope.
SIDEBAR: Approaches for Teaching Problem-Solving Skills to Children
Set a good example. Let your children see how you deal with problems.
Encourage your child to solve their own problems. Standby with support if needed.
Teach your child the following steps:
- State the problem clearly.
- Brainstorm together for some possible solutions.
- Choose what seems like the best solution.
- Try out the solution.
- Review how the solution worked and make any necessary changes.
Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach. Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching. Ellen can be contacted at ellen@lifecoachellen.com(www.lifecoachellen.com).