QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I have a hard time when my husband comes home from work. I need his help as I have been with the kids from the time they come home from school. I believe he should pitch in and do something instead of going to the couch and scrolling on his phone. Is there any way to get through to him that he should help?
R’ Ali’s Response:
Although your question is concerning how to get your husband to help out, I will address both women and men, as this situation is fairly common. I hear complaints from men regarding the demands made of them, as well.
The first point I’d like to make is that this shouldn’t turn into an issue of wrong and right, into who is the bigger victim. Many couples will debate this to no end. A wife will say that she is home with kids and needs some assistance or attention, and the husband will say that he had such a long day at work providing for the family, and needs to unwind.
Many people take it further and debate whose work is harder, which gets nowhere. The truth is that in many cases they’re both right! (or their complaints are valid). But each is right, not about who works harder, but rather that they both have a need. The man needs to unwind after a long day of work and the wife needs assistance, especially with younger children. Understanding this and discussing this with your spouse as an issue that “we” have and not a “me versus you” issue is definitely the first step towards a viable solution.
Actually, this point is not exclusive to this specific scenario. Many arguments revolve around this theme. One spouse would like to leave early for a wedding, while the other prefers to leave later. They are both different people with different preferences. One will say that coming on time is proper and coming late is not right to the family of the simha. The other will say it’s very uncomfortable to be there early and makes them feel out of place. Many times there is no wrong and right and what is at stake is only a matter of preference. Accepting each other’s differences and working together towards something that makes both parties happy is not that complicated. As I have mentioned, approaching this as an issue that “we” have is much more productive and logical.
One more point before I give you practical advice. Men should understand how hard their wives work and how stressful it is to take care of a house. This includes having dinner ready for a family, keeping a clean house, and supervising homework and bedtime. Women, as well, should understand that men work very hard to support a family. This includes physical and mental exhaustion, many times leaving him unable to “jump in” and help out right away. When both husband and wife truly understand their spouse’s hardships, they will be more sympathetic and gentler while approaching this situation, and of course, many other situations.
So, now what? Well, one very simple idea for you as the wife would be to tell your husband, “ I know you work hard and have a long day, and I am so appreciative. I do need your help or attention when you get home from work. But I also understand that you need time to unwind. Can you give me an amount of time that you need to unwind and after that be available?”
Now, of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all. Every couple will need to be honest and reasonable with the amount of time. When done right I know many people who do this with much success. And vice versa, a man reading this should let his wife know how he understands her and how much he wants to help. He should be able to let his wife know that he needs some time to unwind.
To conclude, both husband and wife should be realistic in this scenario and all scenarios, for that matter. To say I need four hours to unwind is not reasonable. And for a wife to give a list of endless demands is unreasonable, as well. With some thought and consideration be’ezrat Hashem, you will have a wonderful relationship.