Mozelle Forman
By nature, humans are curious. Little three-year-olds begin asking: why? Why is the sky blue? Why are trees green? Why can’t I have another cookie? We need, and therefore demand, answers to our questions even when any answer given will not satisfy us. Have you ever met a three-year-old who responded, “That makes sense,” when his mother explained why he couldn’t have another cookie? As adults, we continue asking why as if everything had a reasonable explanation. Why did I not get that job? Why am I not married yet? Why did my loved one die? No answer will suffice. No response will assuage our loss, grief, and pain.
In our Rosh Hashana prayers, we acknowledge that “the secret things belong to Hashem.” Hashem does not reveal the secret things. He does not offer an explanation or answer our questions as to why. We are told that Hashem runs the world and we must accept His will. And while we can accept His secrets and His decree, acceptance does not mean we will not feel a sense of loss, grief, emptiness, and pain when we lose a loved one. Acceptance and pain are not mutually exclusive. And grieving is not a sign that we lack emunah.
There Is No One Way to Deal with Loss
Grief is the normal emotional response to a major loss, such as the death of a loved one. Grief is highly personal and is experienced differently by everyone. Men and women grieve differently and teens and children mourn differently than adults. There is no “right” way to deal with loss.
Knowing this will allow us to be more compassionate with ourselves and with those around us who are grieving. Because grief has many facets, one may experience many conflicting emotions, such as feeling scared, relieved, resentful, or guilty – all in the same day. You may at times feel nothing at all. You may feel like crying or you may not be able to cry at all. There may also be times when you feel angry at the person who has died. I have heard many a widow lament, “Why did he leave me?” Because a death will always trigger our most vulnerable feelings of abandonment, your anger does not mean you did not love the person you lost. Just the opposite is true. Your anger can be an expression of how connected you were to them. Moreover, your feelings do not need to make sense to anyone else. These are just feelings and having them is normal. Even though you are hurting, you may want a little respite when you can have fun or laugh for a while. This is not a betrayal of your loved one.
While grief is the emotional response to a loss, mourning is the expression of deep sorrow. Mourning practices differ among cultures Our Torah outlines the specific practices one should follow when mourning a close loved one, beginning with the seven-day shiva period. Our sages understood that in the immediate aftermath of a loss, one is inconsolable, as it states in Pirkei Avot 4:23: “Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar said, ‘Do not console him [your fellow Jew] while his dead lies before him.” During this time, one is still overcoming the shock and distress of the loss and finds comfort by being surrounded by friends and family who speak of their loved one who has died. Stories told during shiva may trigger memories of the person who has died, both happy and sad. These memories help one stay connected to the person who died. Although the loved one has died the relationship has not.
Disorientation After a Loss
In his masterful work, Consolation (Jewish Publication Society, 2005), Rabbi Norman Lamm describes what happens to a mourner before reaching grief’s fifth and final stage: acceptance. “We experience an uncommon confusion – not necessarily delirium or chaos, or even bewilderment, but rather dislocation, a form of discontinuity. We sense that something is out of sync, but we cannot quite decode it. During our loved one’s lifetime, we were safe within a circumference of images and memories – the departed and the family and our friends – and now this world is simply not the same. We are disoriented.”
Disorientation is a by-product of our grief. We are likely to become bewildered and disconnected from our normal routine, our normal lives. The loved one for whom we grieve was part of a stable picture in a frame that included us, and now that frame is broken. The picture is torn, and we struggle to deal with the new reality – a reality that no longer includes our loved one – in person. Facing the world after loss feels like the phantom limb phenomenon, where one experiences feeling in a limb that has been severed. The loss is always with you.
Learning from Our Ancestors
The Torah relates the very different mourning processes of our sages. In Parashat Chaye Sarah, the Torah describes that “Avraham withdrew to mourn Sarah and to weep for her.” When Yaacov learned of the death of his beloved son Yoseph – even though it was a lie – the Book of Bereishit narrates that he was bereft and refused to be comforted (Bereishit 37:35). We learn from this that Hashem does send comfort to mourners – who are morning someone who has actually died.
When Aharon is told about the death of his sons Nadab and Abihu, the Torah writes he did not respond – “vayidom Aharon.” He was silent. Parashat Chukat describes the death of Miriam and Aharon. Bnei Yisrael mourned for each of them for thirty days. And in our last parasha, the death and mourning for Moshe Rabbeinu is described. After thirty days of mourning the Torah states: “then the days of weeping and mourning for Moshe were at an end” (Devarim 34:8). While the Torah relates a usual timeframe for mourning of thirty days, this relates to the “formal” mourning period. The emotional grief that one experiences may, and usually will, last longer than we imagine.
Everyone’s Way of Mourning Is Individual
It is important to recognize that your natural response to loss and grief is the right response for you. It does not matter what you or others expect. It does not matter what conventional wisdom dictates. The way you grieve is the way you need to grieve. David Kessler, author and grief specialist writes, “We live in a culture that does not know how to grieve. We live in a society that wants us to get back to normal as soon as possible. We’re expected to keep moving, to get on with our lives. We may have those expectations of ourselves. But it doesn’t work that way.”
Some mental health practitioners go so far as to say that grief counseling is a waste of time and money. Since everyone has their own unique way of grieving, it is impossible for a counselor to pinpoint the specifics of that person’s grief, let alone recommend how to cope with it. This insight is crucial if we are to understand a mourner’s mindset. Everyone grieves differently, no matter what circumstances cause the grief.
Just as we struggle to get to the acceptance of the loss of a loved one, we must strive to accept our personal and individual style of grief. We need to give ourselves permission to feel the pain, without worrying that it will overwhelm or overcome us. Grief often brings the sense of loss of control. We could not control the outcome of our loved one’s illness. We could not control the circumstances that brought about a tragic, untimely death. Yet, even during dark bouts of grief, we still possess the dignity of choice. We can make choices about what activities we attend, join, and do – and what we cannot – to help reinstate some of that loss of control.
The Road to Healing
Humans are wired for connection and a death is the ultimate disconnect from a loved one. Grief intensifies feelings of loneliness, which often leads to isolation. It is difficult, but important, not to remove yourself from others’ lives. Although we do not want to constantly hear, “How are you doing?” prompting us to lie that we are okay for the sake of the other, do not isolate yourself. Be honest about your feelings. If someone took the initiative to ask, then they care enough to hear your sincere response. And, although this is difficult in the best of circumstances, try to communicate your needs. Some days you may want company and distraction and some days you may wish to be left alone. You alone get to decide the amount of interaction that feels comfortable for you.
Grief is an all-consuming emotion that leaves us feeling vulnerable and weak. We become fearful that we will be overcome with grief and will never recover. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who identified five stages of grief that everyone endures – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She emphasized: “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
May Hashem send comfort and solace to all that need.