Tammy Sassoon
One of the most important principles for building strong, trusting relationships with our children is learning to be non-judgmental, even when our children make poor choices. If we want our children to cooperate with us, they need to feel that they can make mistakes without us thinking less of them. The reality is that we all respond better to people who maintain a positive opinion of us, even when we stumble.
Case In Point
Take, for instance, the recent case of a mother who came to me seeking advice about her sixth-grade daughter. Her daughter had been caught taking items from her classmates’ bags and desks. Understandably, the mother was furious and deeply concerned. In her mind, this behavior crossed a serious line, and she was struggling with how to be supportive without condoning her daughter’s wrong actions.
When we face situations like these, disappointment can be a very understandable and natural reaction. It doesn’t mean that we should make a decision based on our emotions. I advised the mother to offer her daughter support, despite the temptation to express her fury. She was hesitant, afraid that showing support would somehow signal to her daughter that stealing was acceptable. However, I reassured her that her daughter already understood that stealing was wrong. In fact, her daughter likely felt an internal struggle and needed emotional support, not condemnation.
The mother mustered up all her strength , and approached her daughter with empathy. She said, “You must have really felt empty inside, like you were missing something. I know the real you would never want to take things that belong to other people.” This simple yet powerful expression of love and understanding allowed her daughter to feel seen and supported, even in her low moment of wrongdoing.
Compassionate Approach
This compassionate approach laid the foundation for a productive conversation the next day. Once her daughter felt emotionally safe, she was open to discussing the issue of responsibility and the importance of returning the stolen objects. Instead of becoming defensive or resistant, the daughter was receptive to making changes. She realized that although she had made a mistake, it didn’t mean she was a bad person. This enabled her to face the consequences of her actions, but also to feel empowered to fix her mistakes and make a fresh start.
If the mother had chosen to yell at or berate her daughter, the outcome likely would have been very different. Yelling may have caused the daughter to feel shame or to shut down emotionally, making it much harder for her to process the situation constructively. Instead, by approaching the problem with love, the mother created an environment where her daughter could take ownership of her actions without losing her self-esteem. This approach not only helped resolve the immediate issue but also fostered greater cooperation and trust between mother and daughter moving forward.
Understanding and Patience
In moments like these, it’s important to remember that our children are still learning. We pray that they should make good choices. Yet we know that they will also make mistakes, just like we did growing up. Our job as parents is to guide them through these missteps with understanding and patience, showing them that while their actions may have consequences, they are still worthy of love and respect. When children feel that they are not being judged harshly, they are more likely to listen, cooperate, and learn from their mistakes.
Ultimately, offering unconditional support when our children are at their lowest points strengthens the bond we have with them. It also teaches them an invaluable lesson: making a mistake does not define who they are. With love and guidance, they can always choose to take responsibility, make amends, and move forward. This is how we help our children grow into resilient, compassionate, and responsible adults.
This is how cooperation and growth happen – through love, support, and trust, especially when things go wrong.