QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I recently got married and things are going well, Baruch Hashem. I know that there are couples that struggle, and, of course, every couple has their ups and downs. I would appreciate some thoughts on how I can manage the ups and downs and prevent some of the pitfalls that couples fall into.
R’ Ali’s Response:
For starters, you mention that every couple has their ups and downs. That’s great that you’re aware of the reality that healthy couples go through ups and downs. Many couples go into marriage with unrealistic expectations and become very rattled when an issue arises. The issue usually isn’t problematic, it’s the thought that issues don’t exist that causes problems. This doesn’t mean that we become filled with worry and anxiety. That’s not good either. It means being educated and prepared on a basic level.
It sounds like you would like to make sure you don’t end up becoming a struggling couple. While I can’t tackle the entire topic on this forum, there are a few points that you should know.
There are two major qualities that everyone should learn how to master. For some they may come naturally, for others it may be very challenging. The first quality is flexibility.
It’s very important to understand what flexibility means and does not mean. It does not mean giving in to all of your spouse’s needs and wants. People mistakenly think that this is correct and even noble. We all have wants and needs, and when we give in all of the time, we may be destructing our individuality.
The word “mevater” becomes misunderstood and misused way too often. If a wife gives in to all of her husband’s needs and wants, yet slowly builds resentment and frustration, is that considered a good relationship? The answer is no. Doing this is incorrect and unhealthy.
So, what is this flexibility that I’m talking about? It means understanding that your opinion is not the only one nor is it necessarily the correct one. Having flexibility of the mind means to understand that there are two people in the relationship with their own wants and desires.
When one wants to go on a winter vacation to Miami and the other would rather go on a ski trip, debating how going to a place with hot weather is “the normal winter vacation” shows a lack of flexibility or lack of accepting that your desires do not dictate what’s correct or should be done.
Sentences such as, “I see we differ on this point, what can we do?” or, “ I see that this bothers you, what do you think we can do?” should be used often in your relationship. Of course, we’re not robots, but the idea is to always put the other person into the equation. Acknowledge their existence and that they are different from you and that’s okay. So, for starters you should be working on the art of flexibility.
The next quality is acceptance. This concept also gets misunderstood so I’d like to clarify what it does and does not mean. Acceptance does not mean you accept intolerable behaviors. It does not mean that you don’t try to get certain needs met when they are important to you and just “accept” how things are.
For example, a husband gets criticized by his wife for the way that he dresses all the time. He should not accept this and should kindly and gently let her know that he likes to dress this way.
Acceptance means that there will be parts of your spouse that you like and parts that are not so pleasant. Accept that certain things may be unchangeable and certain things can change. It may be hard to identify what’s changeable and what is not. Talking this out with a third party would be ideal if you are unsure.
It does get tricky, but it is very important. Many people talk of their spouse being stubborn and not changing when many times things cannot be changed. As a rule, I like to say – people don’t change, behaviors do. Ask yourself, is this part of who your spouse is or not? Is this intolerable or is it possibly tolerable?
There is a lot to talk about, but I’m just giving a few ideas and touching the surface. Be self-aware and ask yourself, “ Am I inflexible?” “Am I harping on certain issues where possibly I should be willing to accept them?”