Purim Puns
Q: What was Queen Esther’s royal gown made of?
A: Poly- Ester!
Q: What beracha did the Jews say upon seeing Haman hanging on the gallows?
A: Ha’eitz!
Moshe K.
Knock, Knock
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Vashti!
Vashti who?
Vashti dishes and I’ll give you a hamantaschen!
Norman B.
A Jewish Grandmother’s Voice Mail:
If you want lox and eggs, press 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since NOBODY ever asks me how I am feeling. Who knows? I could even be dead by now.
Lisa S.
Conversion Tables
With today’s rapid advance in technology, we thought it important to bring to our readers’ attention some new engineering conversions:
Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
1,000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1,000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
2 monograms: 1 diagram
2,000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbird
Charles P.
Doctor’s Visit
Patient: “Doctor, doctor I think I’m shrinking!”
Doctor: “Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient!”
Alice C.
The Mayor’s Mezuzah
One day the mayor of the adjacent town came to the rabbi’s house for a meeting.
“Rabbi,” began the mayor, “in our town we are plagued by thieves. Scarcely a day passes without a report that a home in my city has been burglarized. On the other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as much. Why is that?”
“Look at this little box on the side of my doorpost,” the rabbi said pointing to the mezuzah. “When we Jews put a mezuzah on the entrances to our houses, Gd protects both us and our property.”
“Then I shall have everyone in my town install such a box,” the mayor said excitedly.
Looking down, the rabbi said, “I’m afraid that’s not going to be so easy. Mezuzot are only really fit for Jewish homes.”
“In that case,” replied the mayor, “at least give just one to me personally for my own use.”
Not wishing to upset the powerful mayor, the rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuzah.
The next day, the rabbi was awakened by the sound of someone pounding violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the stairs.
“Who’s there?” the rabbi asked.
“Open the door! Open the door!” screamed a voice on the other side.
Leaving the door on the latch, the rabbi cracked the door wide enough to see the mayor standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great distraught.
“What happened?” asked the terrified rabbi, “Robbers?”
“No, even worse!” screamed the mayor. “Charity collectors!”
Hilarious Hannah
Desperate for Dismissal
A man chosen for jury duty very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of, but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot.
As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty!’ So, Your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury.”
The judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for – a good judge of character.”
“But Your Honor,” the man protested, “how can you say that?!”
“Because,” the judge said, “that man is the defendant’s lawyer!”
Joey G.
White House History
The first Jewish President of the United States has been inaugurated, and the first Jewish holiday that follows is Purim. So, he calls up his mother to invite her to the White House for Purim.
Their conversation goes something like this:
President: Mom, with Purim being the first holiday after my inauguration, I want to celebrate it with us at the White House.
Mom: Oh, I don’t know. I’ll have to get to the airport and…
President: Mom! I’m the President of the United States! I’ll send a limo for you to take you right to the airport!
Mom: OK, but when I get to the airport, I’ll have to stand on the line to buy a ticket and check my baggage. Oh, it will be so difficult for me.
President: Mom, don’t worry about standing on lines or any of that. I’m the most powerful person in the world. I’m the President. I’ll send Air Force One for you!!
Mom: Well, OK. But when I get to Washington, I’ll have to find a cab and…
President: Momma, please! I’ll have a helicopter waiting for you. It will bring right to the White House lawn!!!
Mom: Well, yeah. But where will I stay? Can I get a hotel room…
President: Momma, we have this whole big White House!!!! There will be plenty of room!!!! Please join us for Purim.
Mom: Ok, I’ll be there.
Two seconds later, she calls her friend:
Mom: Hello, Sadie?!! Guess what? I’m spending Purim at my son’s house!!
Sadie: Oh, the doctor?
Mom: No, the other one.
Maureen T.
Preferred Customers
An Israeli is walking down the street in New York when suddenly, to his horror, he sees a sign hanging in front of a building. The sign reads, “We would rather do business with a thousand Hamas terrorists than with a single Israeli.”
Enraged, the Israeli walks up to the building and prepares to go inside to confront the owners. As he is about to enter the building, he notices a smaller sign which reads, “Bergenstein Funeral Home.”
A. N.