QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I know that you speak about marriage, but I was hoping that you could help me with my daughter and son-in-law. I don’t like the way my son-in-law speaks to my daughter and I am not sure how to approach the situation. There are other things, but I am not sure how much I am allowed to say to her or maybe approach his parents. Any guidance would be appreciated.
R’ ALI’S RESPONSE:
Before I give you my perspective on the matter, I’d like to mention two things. Firstly, anyone who is reading my column should know that marriage, parenting, and parents’ relationship with their married children are many times intertwined. People shouldn’t think that advice for in-laws is too different from advice for husband and wife. Anything that can affect the couple’s relationship falls under this category and needs to be addressed just as much as shalom bayit issues need to be addressed. Parents should take these questions very seriously and not rely on what they feel is best. Married children should also take parents and in-laws’ issues seriously as they involve kivud av va’em and can have serious repercussions.
Second, I am glad that you are reaching out and I encourage more parents to reach out when situations such as these arise. Unfortunately, many disasters could have been averted with some simple guidance. Of course, some situations are complex, but most are very simple. I will try be’ezrat Hashem to put down the basics that everyone should know and then address your specific situation.
There are some rules that all parents should abide by in order to ensure that their children have a happy marriage. The first rule I would say is to never, under any circumstances, get involved in your married child’s relationship. Any well-meaning parent will instinctively attempt to protect their child. The parental instinct to protect their child can come at the cost of damaging the relationship, which means that any hint that they are unhappy will make them completely biased to their child. This can set off numerous disasters. A parent may be tempted to give advice without even hearing the other side. I will address what to do, but advice should definitely be off limits. Many times people will tell me, “ I had no choice but to give him advice on how to proceed.” To this I say, “We don’t do something wrong when we are unsure what else to do.”
Another rule is to never ever confront your son or daughter-in-law! I cannot emphasize this point enough, as I have seen people do this or something like this. People in general cannot accept rebuke. How then will your daughter-in-law respond to any hint that she is making mistakes in her marriage? Not too well. This same rule applies to calling up or approaching your child’s in-laws. This has become common practice and should become a non-practice from now on.
The next rule is not to say anything negative to your child about their spouse. Until now we were talking about situations where you were approached. This rule applies even, or especially, when your child has not even mentioned that something is wrong with their relationship. If you see something that is concerning regarding their relationship, never mention this to your child, for a few reasons. Besides the aforementioned idea that you might give some dangerous advice, what you see may not even be bothering your child!
There are many other rules, however this should serve as a basis for parents to understand proper boundaries and how cautious they must be when dealing with their married child’s relationship.
Getting back to your question, you mentioned that you feel that your daughter is not being spoken to nicely. I have no idea if this is mild or major, but getting involved will cause two problems. The correct approach would be to speak with your rabbi or with a professional in the field. A family rabbi may be able to approach them and guide them properly. I have seen this approach multiple times and it has met with much success. A rabbi who deals with marital issues can tactfully approach your daughter or son-in-law and figure out the best way to proceed. Of course, it’s not easy to sit back and watch your child be hurt and unhappy, but this is a delicate situation and must be dealt with in a delicate manner. To conclude, I am not speaking about outright abuse, chas ve’shalom. Anyone being abused must be guided to safety immediately using your own discretion.