QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I know that this may seem petty or simple, but it bothers me a lot. My husband has a difficult time waking up for minyan and it seems that no matter what I say to him, we almost always get into an argument. My father and brothers all go to minyan every morning and it really bothers me that he seems to not care at all. What can I do to get him to go to minyan?
R’ Ali’s Response:
This is a very common question that I am asked and I do see this asked on many forums. I’d like to start with a point that I feel everyone must hear, regardless of whether this question pertains to you or not. You mention that this question may seem petty, insinuating that maybe you have no right to ask it or that maybe you should just “move on “ and forget about it. This is a huge mistake. Marital advice, and all types of advice are not solely for serious problems.
To answer your question I’d like to address each point that you’ve mentioned one at a time. You two argue or fight every time you bring up the “minyan issue.” I hate to sound cynical, but why would you bring up something repeatedly if it turns into an argument or a fight every time? Unfortunately, you now have two issues. Your husband is still not waking up for minyan and you two are arguing. This idea applies to all marital issues and to parenting as well. If an attempt to rectify something has failed once or twice, it’s time to stop doing the same thing and expecting different results. Many people will acknowledge what I’m telling them but still they will say, “What else am I supposed to do?” To this I say, we don’t do something that doesn’t work (and possibly causes more problems) because we don’t have a better option. We don’t use failing methods for lack of better methods. That just doesn’t make any sense.
The first thing I would advise you to do is stop telling your husband how much this situation bothers you. I will give you an idea of what you can do, but there is another point that I’d like to address. You mention that your father and brother go to minyan daily, why can’t your husband? This implies that you’d be okay with your husband slacking on minyan if your family were slacking as well. There is a grave danger in comparing people, especially in marriage. Comparing our situation to others’ is one of the most damaging things we can do for our marriage. We have to understand that our situation is different. We all have different dynamics and tests. Please try to avoid this trap.
Lastly, I feel it is of the utmost importance for people to internalize this next point. You are here to help, but you are not responsible for what choices your husband makes. He has the free will to do as he pleases. If he chooses to do something wrong, you are not responsible or at fault. This shouldn’t be taken to extremes to mean that we shouldn’t care and just leave our spouse alone. We should care and try to help our spouse out. But we should never feel as though it’s our duty to get them to succeed or make the right decisions. This is one of the driving forces behind a wife who constantly brings up the minyan issue with her husband – the feeling of responsibility. There are other motives that are less noble, such as not wanting to look bad in front of other people. Whatever it may be, try to be aware of your motives and you possibly won’t need any advice to “get him” to go to minyan.
If you genuinely would like to help and have a real concern for his spiritual growth, there is a very simple way to approach the situation. Wait for the right time and tell your husband that you’d like to discuss something. Let him know how great he is and how much you admire him and appreciate all that he does for you and the family. Then you should mention that you are concerned about his missing minyan and genuinely ask if everything is okay and if there is anything that you can do. If he says no, don’t ever bring it up again. As a follow up, when you do see him go to minyan, you can mention how nice it is to see him go to minyan. Positive reinforcement works with all people better than negativity.