QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I am a bit confused with some marriage concepts. We are taught that a wife is supposed to be a helpmate for her husband. To help him grow spiritually and maximize in his potential. However, there’s these often-repeated sayings such as, “You’re not his mashgiach” or, “ Stay on your own page.” This seems like I should be letting him do what he wants. So, which one is it!?
R’ Ali’s Response:
This is an excellent question, and I’d like to start by explaining these concepts for those that are not familiar with them.
Most of us have heard of the pasuk where Hashem says to Adam that he will create a helpmate for him. Based on this, it is taught (or should be taught) to women that they are charged with a mission to be a helpmate for their husband, to help him grow spiritually. There is a Gemara that elaborates more but that’s beyond the scope of this article.
Now, many women take this the wrong way. They assume responsibility for their husband’s spiritual growth. If he is not doing well spiritually, it is either their fault or their responsibility to ensure that he is doing his duties. This is a big mistake. No one is responsible for another’s choices nor can we make choices for another person. As a good wife, we are concerned about our husbands spiritual growth or lack of. This means we pray for him and think of tactful ways to get him to succeed.
Practically speaking, if a wife tells her husband that he’s slacking with minyan, and he says leave me alone, it is clear that this approach will not help him, hence she is not being a helpmate at the moment.
To illustrate this point I often speak about the famous story from Parashat Korach. On Ben Pellet was part of the rebellion against Moshe Rabeinu. His wife knew this was dangerous and tried explaining to him that he wouldn’t benefit from this, to no avail. What did she do next? Did she pester him? Did she say, “I’m never talking to you again?” No. She got creative!
She got him intoxicated and waited by the entrance of her tent with uncovered hair. This scared away Korach and his people as they wouldn’t look at her with her hair uncovered. In the end, her husband was saved while many perished.
This story teaches what a helpmate is. Be creative, don’t pester him. If you get stuck, ask someone what you can do. But don’t fall into the trap of hurting him in an attempt to help.
The other concept of staying on your own page is a popular concept in marriage advice. Basically, the idea is to let your spouse be. For example, if your husband wears a shirt you don’t like, leave him alone . Now, this concept also gets confusing. It doesn’t mean not to say anything to him about his behaviors. It means, kindly and gently voice your opinion with the understanding that the ultimate decision is his.
With regards to spiritual matters, we don’t “stay on our own page,” and leave him alone . As I explained, we are supposed to be concerned, but we can get creative and communicate in a gentle manner. For example, a wife sees her husband is not going to class anymore. Mention to him how nice it is when he learns. Words of encouragement work wonders. But aggression and frustration seems more about you than it is about his growth. This is also another point to ponder. Are we bothered about their growth or the way it makes us look? To summarize, a woman is to be a helpmate for her husband. Being a helpmate means praying for his success and being gentle and creative with ways to help him grow. Staying on your own page is similar. Help him without aggression, or even worse, force! I believe every wife should take inventory from time to time and think, am I fulfilling the awesome task that Hashem has charged me with, that of being a helpmate for my husband or maybe not? Hashem should give us all the clarity to do the right thing and we should all have harmony peace in the home.