Frieda Schweky
Weddings are a major topic of conversation in our community, but not always for the reasons we’d like. Instead of focusing on the happy couple and the Jewish home they will be building, often the focal point of making a wedding becomes the physical side rather than the spiritual. Weddings can turn into another status symbol, where community members are judged according to how much money they spend on one lavish night (or in many instances, on all the additional parties that go along with a wedding). High-ticket items that have become standard at community weddings may include large halls, expensive florists with exquisite flowers, drapery, lighting, DJs, caterers, photographers, and videographers, to name a few.
Let’s hear from community members about the whole wedding scene, especially when many are struggling to afford just the basics.
First, I’d like to share my thoughts. During Covid, my perspective on weddings completely shifted and I had some hope for the future of our community weddings. However, it’s been five years and it seems as though nothing has changed. In August 2020, my sister-in-law got married in the backyard of my father-in-law’s Long Branch summer house where I currently live. It’s not an extravagant setting, but it has a nice amount of grass in the backyard, which was large enough for the 150 guests, a chuppah, and a dance floor. The food and desserts were set out inside the house. For reference, my wedding was at the West Deal Shul. My brother-in-law’s wedding was at a large fancy bank in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And my other brother-in-law got married in Tzfat, Israel. In our family, we actually all regard this intimate backyard wedding as the best, most special and intimate wedding of all our family weddings. It was the best night, spent with all the people who knew and loved the bride and groom personally.
This little Covid wedding changed my entire perspective on the subject. I realized that our children could be married with modest, intimate get-togethers and maybe there would even be cash left over to give to the couple to start their lives! I think that would be ideal. So, let’s hear what some community members think, and also, we’ll discuss a new initiative to address the sky rocketing costs of throwing a wedding in this community. I’m proud to say, it was initiated in the shul where I got married.
Esther Chirazi
I think the expense is one major issue, but it’s also people needing to keep up with “community standards” that adds to the burden and stress [of making a wedding]. Being in the real estate market, I see many people taking out major loans against their homes to make weddings and to keep up with our high standards. I know someone who needs to sell [their home] and cannot because they took loans to make beautiful weddings for their daughters and then through the years business was not as good as it used to be because life happens… If they sell they have no place to go because they owe so much in loans. It is crazy and unfortunate the lengths parents are expected to go to in order to “keep up with the Joneses.”
Community Member 2
Brit milot have become like bar mitzvahs, bar mitzvahs have become like weddings, and weddings are next-level luxury. This can be looked at as good, but there’s a flip side – the cost, the pressure, how it can suck the fun and joy out of the night for the ones hosting and footing the bills. The bigger the hoopla the bigger the stress.
Community Member 3
It’s an important lesson to teach our kids, that even if we have hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend on a wedding, it isn’t practical to actually spend it on (for example) flowers that will be torn apart hours later. We should be able to make our children weddings that they’re proud of without all of the pressure. Young men are afraid to get married for financial reasons. We are scaring them away from marrying our daughters! It’s a major issue! Instead they should be able to see all of the good the community has to offer. And maybe our community should come up with a good solution to this wedding expense issue.
I’m in the midst of planning a wedding for my daughter so I have to include a disclaimer. Don’t call me a hypocrite when I don’t necessarily follow my own opinion but I sincerely hope I can find somewhat of a happy medium. After all, the expectations still exist.
A major problem is when the vendors monopolize the venues and people are stuck using those vendors they can’t afford. The adage says that people pay for what they get. But if a couple wants a certain venue, and that venue locks them in to high-priced vendors, that’s when things really get out of hand. People should be able to use vendors that they can actually afford. I do understand how a venue benefits from special arrangements with specific vendors. But if venues are going to force people to use their vendors, it would be a good idea to offer the services of multiple vendors in each category with different price points to choose from!
Community Member 4
Wedding costs are a huge problem. It’s practically turned into a house payment, which honestly would be a better use of that money. People are taking out loans for one big party! I think one cause of this issue is the vendors. * Because we all use the same few vendors, they’ve not only raised their prices but also assume we can all easily afford those prices.. Basically, what only the top one percent of us could once afford comfortably has now become the new normal, and everyone feels pressured to keep up.
* I’d like to comment here, I’m a vendor myself, as I’m a professional photographer. Yes, sometimes you are locked into a certain vendor because of an arrangement with your venue, as discussed above. Yes, the popular vendors may charge a lot per hour. But usually, if so, they are very experienced, are in high demand, or offer a premium product. Also, their expenses have gone up just like yours. On the flip side, there are always new vendors popping up who offer lower price points. For example, my prices may be on the high-end as a photographer for small events, but for weddings I'm considered a very affordable option, as I charge more modestly than big names because I'm trying to get my foot in the door. I’ve advertised that I can be a cost-effective option. I still offer a high-quality product, bringing my over eight years of experience as a professional photographer. Yet, to date I have received almost no inquiries for weddings in this community. Therefore, I conclude that people are really not doing the work it takes to find lower priced options. They just stick with what everyone else is doing.Community Member #5
It’s unfortunate that everyone is afraid to not do what others do for weddings and semachot, and it’s a tremendous amount of pressure. When I made my daughter’s wedding, I was given a
budget. But I knew I wanted to do more. She was my only girl. In order to afford what I wanted to do I got a job. And I paid for whatever was not in my husband’s budget. Even so, I was still very frugal with our money. We shopped for discounts, and I found a florist that wouldn’t cost me an arm and a leg, and I toned down the food to fit into what we could afford.
Nowadays, shuls have contracts with caterers, florists, etc. and you are obligated to use them. And you have to pay their price. Unfortunately, even most dual-income families cannot afford it at all.
Steps Toward a Brighter Future in Deal and Lakewood
Congregation Magen David of West Deal has just presented the community with a beautiful affordable wedding package starting at $52,000. All-inclusive weddings include the shul rental, decor, as well as specific mainstream vendors such as the caterer, florist, photo/video, DJ, security, and valet. Their flyer reads: All-inclusive Weddings -Because Breaking the Glass Shouldn’t Break the Bank.
Mayer Ashear, Director of Events from Magen David states, “The shul committee sought a solution to tackle community need for assistance making affordable weddings. Weddings have become out of control, super expensive, and very stressful. The packages were created for a host to feel respectable to make a beautiful wedding that they can afford. Shortly after Labor Day the All Inclusive Weddings began. They’ve been regarded as beautiful and people loved and enjoyed them. It’s great, especially in the wintertime when weddings are not that large here in Deal. It’s a very good option. We have packages from Labor Day to Memorial Day for 500, 650, or 850 guests. Prices vary depending on the guest count.”
Lakewood
Meanwhile, in Lakewood, two newly dedicated wedding halls, Ateres Blima and Ateres Esther, are marking the beginning of a new era in local simcha planning. Both halls are located at 400 Oak Street, and are named in memory of R’ Ari Stern’s grandmothers. The halls were built to address a pressing need in the community, to lower the overwhelming cost of weddings.
Backed by numerous donors, the project was designed to reset community expectations and to bring weddings back to a simpler, more manageable standard. At these new halls, a complete wedding package will cost just $13,000.
The all-inclusive package at Ateres Blima and Ateres Esther is designed for peace of mind. It includes hall rental, catering, photographer, videographer, musician, singer, kallah’s bouquet, artificial floral arrangements, a lavish smorgasbord, and a seudah.
What an incredibly important topic we discussed this month! Many important points were made. I hope we continue finding solutions to help families marry off their children without the need to take out loans. It’s nice when you can throw fancy parties and invite guests. It’s just tricky when we’re all expected to do the same or more than the next guy. Young couples will likely need help starting their lives and there are much better causes to put our money towards. We have single moms, orphans, and struggling young families in our community. We should collectively care and do more for them rather than conspicuously spend money, whether earned or borrowed, to throw a lavish wedding party.
Frieda Schweky
Frieda is an event and portrait photographer. Check Frieda out on Instagram @friedaschwekyphoto For photography inquiries or article topic suggestions email her friedaschweky@gmail.com