Dear Jido,
My son is a devoted father and truly wants the best for his kids. He’s passionate about sports and volunteers as a coach for his 12-year-old son – my grandson – in various leagues. While his intentions are good, I worry that his approach can be too intense. At times, he critiques his son’s performance during or after games, sometimes loudly and in public, which seems to leave my grandson feeling discouraged or embarrassed.
I’ve gently tried to talk to my son about how his words might be affecting his child’s confidence, but he insists he’s just being honest and helping him toughen up. My daughter-in-law shares my concerns but isn’t sure how to intervene effectively either. It’s hard to watch because I know my son loves his family deeply and wants his son to succeed, but I fear this coaching style may be doing more harm than good.
How can we help him see that support and encouragement can go hand in hand with teaching and discipline?
Signed,
Worried Grandma
Dear Grandma,
Someone once asked Rabbi Avigdor Miller, zt”l, if a parent sees his son doing something wrong, is he allowed to yell at him in public. His answer was typical Rabbi Miller. He answered – the father should go over to the son, take his hand in one of his hands, rub his cheek with the other hand and tell him how much he loves him. What about the fact that the child was doing something wrong? No mention. The child just needs to know that his father loves him.
Does that mean that Rabbi Miller is condoning bad behavior? Certainly not – he is suggesting that whatever the father says to the son afterwards is going to be obeyed because the boy knows that it’s coming from a place of love.
Your grandson certainly hasn’t done anything wrong. He just may not excel to the point that his father wants him to. Tell your son, “Shouts short circuits, but HUGS HIT HOMERS.”
If you can say that three times fast, it’s bound to make an impression.
Jido