QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I heard you mention in one of your classes the importance of spending quality time with your spouse. My husband and I do set time aside twice a week to spend time together, however it’s always me who initiates it. This makes me feel as though my husband is not interested in going out with me. How can I either get over these feelings or maybe get him to initiate?
R’ Ali’s Response:
This is a common question. Actually, I hear this equally from men and women. Yes, men also want closeness and connection with their wives. Don’t be mistaken that women are the ones who want to cultivate a loving relationship and men could care less. This couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Your question was concerning your husband’s lack of initiative to go out and spend time together. I would like to elaborate first on the importance of quality time since it is so important. Many people feel as though quality time is a “nice thing.” I believe it’s more than just a nice thing, it’s extremely crucial for a couple to spend time together for the couple to build and maintain a healthy, loving relationship.
We all agree that we feel close to people who we speak with and meet up with often. And people that we don’t have much contact with – we don’t have such a great connection. So why would our relationship with our spouse be different in this sense? The truth is, that it isn’t.
Many people that I speak with or counsel mention that they don’t spend quality time with their spouse, sadly. They have many excuses, and the main one is that they are simply too busy. While I understand that we all get busy, this is not an excuse. I’m pretty sure everyone can find twenty minutes, three times a week to spend quality time with their spouse.
What does help a lot of people is to schedule specific times and days for quality time. Some people tell me that this feels “unnatural.” To this I say, would you rather have good quality time with your spouse that came about in an unnatural way or “organically disconnect” from each other? I believe the former makes more sense.
Before I answer your question it’s important to have in mind the main purpose of the quality time and that is, quality. What makes the time “quality”? If the time spent is light and enjoyable as opposed to pressurized and critical. This is not the time to “fix” your spouse (nor is anytime really appropriate for that). People feel connected when they’re heard, understood, and just plain enjoying time together.
Getting back to your question, how can you get your husband to initiate or to manage the uncomfortable feelings? Concerning the feeling that he is not interested in you, I can reassure you that he wants to spend time with you and enjoys it. Some people feel content with the small interactions they have throughout the day and maybe feel connected already.
As I’ve mentioned before, setting times is ideal and this would actually work to your advantage. This way no one’s initiating! The time is set already. However, if you desperately want him to initiate maybe once in a while, just tell him nicely and gently that it would mean so much to you, without blaming or accusations. Maybe he will initiate, maybe he won’t, but with this approach you will have a better chance of having him initiate.
One last thing to bear in mind – many times in an attempt to bring our spouse closer, we push them further away, unfortunately. You would like two things, to spend quality time with your husband and to have him initiate the outing. By pushing an agenda and complaining how he never initiates, you may be creating a situation, chas veshalom, where he becomes disinterested in going out altogether. This way you will lose more than you will gain. Not to say that this is what you were doing, I’m just putting it out there to be aware of this pitfall that entraps many people.