Dear Jido,
My spouse and I recently got married, and while we’re still settling into married life, my parents have already started encouraging us to move closer to them. They say it would be “practical” – we’d have help when we start a family and we’d be part of a tight-knit community. While I genuinely love my parents and value their support, I’m hesitant. I worry that being too close might make it harder for us to establish boundaries and build our marriage on our own terms. I don’t want to feel like we’re still “the kids” just because we live nearby, and I’m also concerned about how this might affect my spouse’s sense of autonomy.
How do we figure out whether moving closer is the right choice for us, not just what feels comfortable or expected by family? I want to be thoughtful and fair – to both sides – and avoid future resentment. Any advice?
Signed,
Torn Newlywed
Dear Newlywed,
Mabrouk on your marriage. May you build a bayit ne’eman b’Yisrael and fill it up with many children.
So, let me guess, you moved to Lakewood and your parents live in Brooklyn. Or, maybe you moved to Bedford and your parents live near Ocean Parkway. Or, perhaps, they live on East 8th and you rented a new apartment on East 9th. And now they want you to move closer.
So, let’s look at what usually happens in the early years of marriage. For the first year or two, you will likely spend every Shabbat with your parents or your in-laws. Occasionally, a Friday night or Shabbat lunch with friends. As the babies start coming, with Hashem’s help, you’ll sleep over only every other Shabbat and spend the others at home. Once you, and perhaps your siblings, start filling up Grandma and Grandpa’s house with kids, you’ll likely only come for holidays (and of course to Deal in the summer).
Now, as far as interfering in your marriage, unless you suspect that Mom is going to be coming over every afternoon to make sure there’s supper on the table, generally parents will know their boundaries. And both you and your spouse can make it very clear to them what’s open for discussion and what’s not. But realize, that they would be able to “interfere” during those early years anyway whether you lived 60 miles away or down the block.
The big advantage is that as your children get older, they will look forward to visiting your parents. There’s something SPECIAL about being with grandparents. (There’s also a lot more cookies and candy.)
I believe the definite upside far outweighs the possible downside. Take advantage of their offer to help – making sure that you are not alienating your in-laws if you make the move to get closer to Mom and Dad. It’s better for you, better for your children, and it’s definitely better for your parents.
Jido