What should you say when you visit a house where a family is sitting shivah? There are definitely things you should and should not say. I recently had a few odd experiences when my brother-in-law, passed away a couple of weeks ago. The incidents made me realize that while visitors mean well, they do not always realize that their words may be very hurtful to someone who is in mourning. It can even be hurtful to close family friends and relatives. Sometimes the mourners are in complete shock, and are not even really hearing anyone’s words. But it means a lot to them to see relatives and friends that care about them. It’s nice to have light conversation, and maybe talk about the person with a personal reflection. After all, we want their neshama to elevate to the highest level possible.
Community Member #1
When I was a young girl in elementary school, a boy in my class lost his mother. My mother suggested that I go to visit and said that she would go with me to the house. It was the first time I had visited a house of mourning, and because my mother helped me through it, it went as best as could have been expected. There were no words to say, except to note, that he knew that I cared enough to visit him during his time of need. I don’t know whether or not he would even remember that I visited him, but it doesn’t matter. I know that I learned a strong lesson that day, and it stayed with me for a long time. I’m happy that my mother showed me that I should not be afraid to go, and that it is an important and necessary part of living in our community by going to events that are both happy and sad.
Community Member #2
Someone came up to me while I was paying respects and asked me about what happened. Not only did I not know what happened, I also didn’t think that it was the right time to discuss medical issues that the person may have had, and it is definitely not the right time to discuss whether anyone else should be looking into their medical issues. There are very healthy people who have had untimely deaths. The time and place for these discussions should be at a later time, if at all, and during a one-on-one conversation. I don’t feel it is right to embarrass anyone in a room full of people. Also, I think it’s a good idea to keep visits short, and move over to let new visitors get to the mourners.
Community Member #3
I overheard a really nice conversation when I went to pay respects to a relative recently. The person came in, waited to move to the front patiently, and then told a story that the family did not know about their relative who had passed away. It was a thoughtful, warm story about something that happened when they were children. It was cute, made everyone smile a little, and showed that the visitor not only knew the deceased, but remembered stories from many years ago. I thought this was perfect in so many ways.
Community Member #4
While I was sitting for my father, someone brought out some old pictures. We started to look through them, and passed them around for everyone to see. After looking through many photos, I felt that I was going to cry, and got up while wiping away some tears. A visitor said to me, “Oh, you must be the sensitive one.” I could not even speak, and I was very hurt. I’m not sure what the person was thinking, but this was a perfect example of think before you say something out loud. I have thought about this over the last years, and it always hurts me.
Community Member #5
I have noticed that the dress code has definitely improved over the last few years. In the past visitors were not always dressed properly. They wore bright colors, excessive jewelry, and even revealing clothing. Now, since our community has become more religious, it is nice to see visitors coming into homes with the respect owed to the families. I think it is a strong step forward for our community.
Community Member #6
When I was sitting last year, I finally came to understand why the times for visiting are posted and why people should try their best to adhere to the times. By 9pm, I was so tired, I could barely move, let alone meet with friends or family. It is a really long day. I know that it can be hard to get to people sometimes, and of course, we all want to visit when we can. But having gone through it, I now have a better understanding. I have always had a very open home and people love to drop by anytime. This is never a problem for me at all. In fact, I encourage it. But when I was in mourning, a friend stopped by on Shabbat, unannounced. My wife invited them into my home, gave them a cup of coffee, and made them feel at home. It was a good time for them, but not for me. I was looking forward to clearing my head and getting some rest. I don’t think they thought it through, but next time, maybe they will think of the mourner.
Community Member #7
Of course, no one knows exactly what to say when they visit, but I have found that after making eye contact with the person sitting shiva, or lightly tapping their shoulder, I say that I am truly sorry for their loss. The rest will come naturally. I let them talk. Usually, I am a big talker, but I find that they really want to talk about the person. You would think that it would be hard for them, but they do like to tell stories and share recollections. Sometimes, I have learned new things about the person that I didn’t previously know.
Community Member #8
A few years ago, I went to an arayat for someone that passed away. As the reading of the Tehillim was taking place, all of the men were sitting around a large table, picking at nuts and dried fruit. Each one took their turn reading a portion, and the rabbi that was running it corrected them throughout. The rabbi explained that the words need to be precise when reading Tehillim. All of the men seemed to understand this, and of course, were respectful to the rabbi. Suddenly, when one of the men was corrected slightly, he took offense, and was visibly annoyed. Then, when he was corrected again, he spoke loudly to express his annoyance to being corrected. Then, after a third time, he left the table altogether. I was sitting in the back listening when this incident happened. Every person in the room felt uncomfortable, and it was rude. This was one of the first, and hopefully, will be the last time, that I will ever see this type of inappropriate outburst. It was disrespectful to everyone there including the mourners, the rabbi, friends, and family.
In conclusion, we have a very special community that comes together in times of sorrow. We see people coming to visit that we have not seen in years. We feel the losses together, never alone. The best thing that we can do is be there for our friends and relatives in the best way possible. This is not meant to call anyone out. I just want the best for our community members, and I am sure everyone wants the same thing. Shivah is about the mourner, not the visitor.
To end on a lighter note, I share this story about my brother-in-law. When I first came into the family, my future husband, invited me to a Friday night dinner at his parents’ house. At some point during the meal, he asked my brother-in-law how the mongoose was doing. I started to get nervous, since I didn’t know that there was an animal there. My husband and brother-in-law, noticing my fear, decided to go a little further. First, they told me that the mongoose is always loose and not to worry because he is tame. But of course, I started to look around on the floor, and I really began to panic. Then, my brother-in-law wanted to know if I wanted to pet it. He was surprised that I had not seen it or heard that he had one in the first place. I then got up from the table in a state of hysteria, and started to run towards the front door to leave. Then they finally broke down laughing and explained that his bike is called a Mongoose (that was the brand). It took me a few minutes to understand and to calm down.
But, I then realized, this was not the end. It would be the first of many pranks that they pulled on me through the years. I actually enjoyed them, believe it or not. I will miss my brother-in-law more than I can say without crying. May we only know good things…