Dear Jido,
It feels like my parents are always working, and I hardly ever get their full attention. Whenever I try to talk about something that really matters to me, they say they’re too busy or too tired. I know they do so much for our family, and I’m grateful for that, but sometimes it makes me feel invisible and like my thoughts don’t matter.
How can I get them to truly listen and spend time with me without making them feel guilty or adding to their stress?
Signed,
An Overlooked Teen
Dear Overlooked,
Ouch!
It’s not unusual to hear that teenagers are too busy to talk to their parents – they have school, they have friends, they have Smartphones. But to hear that parents are ignoring their child, that has to hurt.
There’s an old story – a boy goes over to his father who is an attorney and asks, “Daddy, how much do you charge an hour?” The father replies, “$150.” (I told you it’s an old story.) The boy says, “I only have ten dollars, can I talk to you for just a FEW minutes?”
I’m certainly not suggesting that you pay your parents for their time and attention, but you definitely have to GET their attention.
Pick a quiet time. Perhaps between your father’s phone calls or after your younger siblings have gone to bed. Tell them:
“Dad, remember when we used to do XYZ together? It was so much fun spending time with you. Maybe next week we can go to (shul, the Center, the restaurant) just the two of us and talk. I really miss you!”
“Mom, the next time you (clean the house, do the laundry, shop for groceries, bake challah), can we do it together? Just the two of us. I really want to spend personal time with you!”
As you say, don’t make them feel guilty and don’t interfere with their busy schedules. Look them in the eye and let them know – I love you; I miss you, I’m here, talk to me.
Jido