QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I hear so much about communication, and how it’s the key to a successful marriage. I completely understand that and I try to communicate with my husband. The problem is that most of the time he either shuts down or gets defensive. It seems like he is not capable of having a conversation. Does this mean that I have lost that tool of communication and have to accept it?
R’ Ali’s Response:
I mention this often, but it’s worth repeating. It’s wonderful when people reach out for help. Most people will try to wing it or accept something that should not or does not need to be accepted. I commend you for reaching out.
I’d like to elaborate on the topic of communication before I give you some practical advice. You mention that a lot of marriage talk is focused on communication. There are many reasons for this. Number one, talking to your spouse is a way to connect. Whether it is expressing how you feel about them or is about a situation, or apologizing for hurtful words (please take this one seriously), communication is crucial for connecting to your spouse. Second, there are many things that need to be discussed.
Topics might concern your children, schools, parents, in-laws, finances, vacations, tuition – the list goes on and on. These things need to be discussed. In addition to the issues being important, many times the husband and wife have differing opinions. Interestingly, many people feel that they will just do things the way they like and their spouse should just go along. This is a mistake. There is so much to talk about, and dismissing addressing issues with, “I’m not good at communication,” is unhealthy and unproductive.
Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand that many people have a hard time communicating. However, I also understand that many people have anger issues. Often anger issues are addressed while lack of communication is not. Obviously, the comparison is a bit extreme. However, both issues can be harmful to a relationship and need to be addressed.
Many people tell me that they do not communicate well, and they would like some advice on how to communicate better. I have a few ideas that work most of the time.
Number one, if you have a more shy, reserved nature, let your spouse know that. Tell them that you realize you are not so great at communicating but you are trying. If there is anything that can make communicating easier for you, let your spouse know. Some people talk better while on a walk, on the phone, or through texting. I know couples who communicate through email!
Whatever it takes to get the ball rolling, try it.
Number two, it is very likely that you do know how to communicate, however, you are very sensitive (or just human). And when your spouse approaches you with emotions, you become fearful of how they will react (due to the many past reactions). Let them know this: “I want to communicate more. But I need to be able to speak freely.”
Lastly, try to set times for important discussions. Many people are very easygoing and abhor serious conversations. If you have time for serious conversations, it can feel like just another chore that you need to do for the relationship and or for the family.
Getting back to your original question, what can you do with a spouse who has a hard time communicating? You can speak to a third party who will be honest with you and try to detect if the problem is rooted in the way you approach your spouse. Maybe you’re too aggressive (unintentionally). There are so many ways to gently approach a topic. Also, as I’ve mentioned, you can set times to speak about important topics.
And one more thing – many people shut down because conversations go in circles. If this is what’s happening, it makes sense that your spouse has a hard time communicating. My advice would be to think about all of these variables, try to detect if any apply to you, and talk it over with a third party for clarity.