Kosher Compliance
It was Passover and two Jewish attorneys, Saul and David, who worked downtown, met at a food court to have lunch. Saul and David proceeded to produce matzah sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
One of the waiters in the food court marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own food in here!”
Saul and David looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged matzah sandwiches.
Morris Z.
Foolproof Logic
Yankele the shoemaker thinks that he is the wisest person in the town, when in actuality, he is the most foolish. In fact, the town folk tell him on a daily basis that he is a fool. One day Yankele hears the rabbi quote from the Bible that the Almighty protects the foolish. Yankele decides that this is his opportunity. “I’ll jump off the highest building in town. If the Almighty protects me then I am truly a fool, but I won’t get hurt, and if I get hurt then I’ll have proven to all that I am a wise man.” Off he goes, and he jumps off the roof of the town’s only three-story building. Of course, he falls badly and breaks many bones. While the town folk rush him to the hospital they hear him moaning, “I am not just a wise man. I am a genius!”
Michael T.
Doctor, Doctor
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted his cardiologist, Dr. Simon Goldstein, in his shop. Dr. Goldstein was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
Goldstein, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
“So how come I make such a small salary – and you get the really big bucks? You and I are doing basically the same work!”
Dr. Goldstein paused, smiled, and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, “’Try doing it with the engine running.”
Lori G.
Busy as a Bee
Two wasps buzz around what is left of a rose bush. “How are you this month?” asks wasp number one. “Not too good,” says wasp two. “Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen.”
The first wasp has an idea. “Hey, why don’t you go down the corner and hang a left? There’s a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit.” Wasp two buzzes, “Thanks!” and takes off.
An hour later, the wasps bump into each other again. “How was the bar mitzvah?” asks the info-wasp. “Great!” says buddy-wasp.
The first wasp peers at his pal and wonders out loud, “What’s that on your head?” “A yarmulke,” he replies. “I didn’t want them to see that I was a wasp!”
Marc T.
Impossible Recipes
Danny and Shlomo are older students at the yeshiva and they decided that they were fed up with living in the dorms and the lousy yeshiva food. So they decided to rent an apartment and cook food for themselves.
“Did you get us a cookbook?” Danny asked.
“I did, but I don’t like it,” Shlomo replied.
“Why, are the recipes too hard?” asked Danny.
“Exactly!” Shlomo replied. “Every recipe begins the same way, ‘Take a clean dish and…’”
Susan H.
Shared Suffering
Mr. Stein gives $1 every week to a particular beggar in his town. One week he sees the beggar and gives him only 25 cents. The beggar is indignant and complains, “Why did you give me only 25 cents?”
Mr. Stein replies: “My business was bad last week.”
The beggar responds: “So you had a bad week and I have to suffer?”
Carol A.
Writer’s Credit
A visitor to Israel attended a concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium and he was quite impressed with the architecture and acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”
“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”
“Never heard of him. What did he write?”
“A big check,” replied the guide.
Harry E.
Marriage Proposal
A poor man managed to get an appointment with a wealthy Jewish philanthropist by insisting that he had a foolproof way for the man to make 5 million dollars.
“So let me hear your great idea,” said the philanthropist.
“It’s very simple,” replied the pauper. “I understand that when your daughter gets married, you’re planning on giving her a dowry of 10 million dollars.”
“Nu?” said the philanthropist.
“So, I’ve come to tell you that I’m willing marry her for half the amount!”
Alisson F.
Aging Requests
Old Mordy Applebaum goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.
“Mordy, you’re in excellent shape for an 80-year-old man. But I’m not a magician – I can’t make you any younger,” says the doctor.
“Who asked you to make me younger”” says Mordy. “You just make sure I get older!”
Joseph K.
Business Talk
Sammy and Isaac haven’t seen each other in a while. One day they happen to meet on the street. They exchange pleasantries when Isaac says to Sammy, “How come you didn’t ask me how business is?”
“I’m sorry,” replies Sammy. “So, how’s business?”
“Oy – don’t ask.”
Eddie M.
First Flight
Aboard an El Al flight from America to Israel, Esther was taking her very first flight to visit her children and grandchildren who has just made aliyah (moved to the Holy Land). They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.
The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experience the same discomfort.
When they landed in Tel Aviv, Esther thanked the stewardess. “Thank you very much for the chewing gum sweetie,” she said. “But tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?”
Danny N.