The Forgotten Car Keys
As Moishe left a board meeting at shul, he desperately gave himself a personal TSA pat down. He was looking for his keys. They were not in his pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly he realized that he must have left them in the car. Frantically, he headed for the parking lot.
Moishe’s wife, Miriam, had scolded him many times for leaving the keys in the car. Moishe’s theory is that the keeping them in the car is the best place not to lose them. Miriam’s theory is that the car will be stolen. As Moishe burst through the doors of the shul, he came to a terrifying conclusion: Miriam’s theory was right. The parking lot was empty. He immediately called the police. He gave them his location, confessing that he had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen.
Then Moishe made the most difficult call of all. “Honey,” he stammered, “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. Moishe thought the call had been dropped, but then he heard Miriam’s voice. “Moishe!” she exclaimed, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was his time to be silent. Embarrassed, he said, “Well, could you please come and get me.”
Miriam retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”
Martin H.
The Lesson
Little Ernie is doing his homework one evening and has a problem.
“Dad,” he says, “what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
“Well, son,” says his father, “I will give you a practical demonstration.”
His dad then goes to the phone and dials a random number.
“Hello,” comes a voice at the other end.
“Hello,” says Ernie’s father. “Is Melvin there?”
“There is no one called Melvin here!” comes the reply. “Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?”
“You see?” says Ernie’s father. “That man was not at all happy with our call. But watch this!”
He then dials the same number again, and says, “Hello, is Melvin there?”
“Now look here!” comes the angry reply. “I told you there is no Melvin here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again!” And then he slams down the receiver.
“Did you hear that?” asks Ernie’s father. “That was anger. Now, I will show you what exasperation is!”
He picks up the phone and dials the same number again, and when a violent voice shouts, “HELLO!”
Ernie’s father says, “Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
Marvin S.
The Marriage Seminar
Rabbi Applebaum thought it would be a great idea to hold a marriage seminar at his congregation. And sure enough, many of the couples showed up. The therapist was focusing on communication and David and Lisa were listening as the therapist declared: “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He addressed the men: “For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
David leaned over, touched Lisa’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?”
Karen B.
The Police Stop
A police officer stops Yankel for speeding and reckless driving and asks him very nicely to see his license.
Yankel replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you!”
Leon P.
Advice from Moses
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up an expensive watch to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, “Heaven is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score. Then he clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Heaven is watching you.”
Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a small, parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yes,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are, anyway?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses!” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a parrot ‘Moses’?”
The little bird promptly answered, “The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Heaven’!”
Sarah G.
Fishing Tip
An old man walked out onto a frozen lake on a bitter cold winter day. He drilled a hole in the ice, sat on his bucket, put his fishing line in the water and eagerly waited for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost five hours without even a nibble when a young boy walked out, drilled a hole in the ice and sat on his bucket not far from the old man. It only took about one minute and BAM! A huge fish bit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn’t believe it and figured it was just luck. Yet, the boy put his fish line in again and within just two minutes he pulled in another huge fish!
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t stand it any longer. He hadn’t caught a fish all day. He went to the boy and said, “Boy, I’ve been here nearly all day without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught TEN huge fish! How do you do it?”
The boy said, “Oo af o rep ra rums rm.”
“What?” asked the old man.
Again the boy said, “Oo af o rep ra rums rm.”
Freezing and impatient the old man yelled, “Look, I can’t understand a word you are saying!”
So, the boy took off his gloves, spit a clump of stuff into his hands and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”
Joel K.