QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
Baruch Hashem, I have a great relationship with my husband, and I am grateful for that. I was hesitant to even reach out because my issue is really small but it has been on my mind for some time. As I mentioned, my relationship is great. We don’t fight or yell at each other. However, I do feel as though my husband and I are just going through the motions. I’m busy with the kids and he’s busy with work. Is there anything I can do to feel more connected?
R’ Ali’s Response:
Sadly, I know many couples who would love to say, “I have a great relationship.” This is something that should not be taken for granted. I don’t think you are showing a lack of appreciation, but rather may have a lack of knowledge of what’s out there.
So first, consider yourself blessed. There are many who suffer terribly. When I say this to other couples, they express how grateful they are that things are good at home. If you feel as though things at home are good or even great, thank Hashem for that.
Now, it’s important to understand that this shouldn’t minimize your unhappiness or frustration. Even if you feel like what you are going through is “normal frustration” like many others, you should still feel comfortable reaching out for advice. Other people’s sufferings don’t take away our own. Although we can learn to be appreciative of our situation, we should still strive to better ourselves and our relationships.
It is important to understand that some things are relationship issues and other things are personal issues. For example, if a couple feels like they don’t spend enough time together, this is a relationship issue that they should know is common. Even so, it deserves to be addressed. When one spouse restricts the other from talking to family members and wants advice on dealing with their “non-compliant” spouse, this is a personal issue. It is wrong and that spouse needs to change their behavior and take accountability for their conduct (sadly, this is very common).
Getting back to your question, how can we feel more connected? My regular readers may already know what I would advise. Know that it’s normal that once children come along, naturally a couple doesn’t have as much time for each other as they did previously. At this point, the best way to connect or reconnect is to set specific times for connection. Whether it’s daily or weekly depends on the couple’s dynamics and scheduling. Couples should sit down and discuss what works best.
For many people this takes effort, but it could be the only way to connect. If you take it seriously, you will find the right formula that works for you and your spouse.
Many couples tell me that they do spend time once a week together and still don’t feel that closeness that they aspire to. For situations such as these, I advise people to focus more on quality rather than quantity. Maybe this means once a month doing something extra special, such as going to a more upscale restaurant or something of that sort.
It could also mean focusing more on each other while you’re out together and not so much on phones or other distractions. People get used to each other and become comfortable with each other. This is a good thing. However, this comfort can create a relaxed atmosphere where both husband and wife feel they can be busy on their phones the entire evening when they are supposed to be on a night out together. Would it be a mystery if two people are not connecting if when they are out together they spend much of that time on their phones?
Not at all! And the reason is that they are not really out together. They are out and in the same place, but they are not together. I believe that if both husband and wife are present (no phones) and listen to each other with their full focus, they will feel connected.
To summarize – be grateful, set times for each other, and make sure that the time spent is spent wisely.