Three-Day Pass
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the commanding officer for a 3-day pass. The officer replied, “Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”
So, the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The officer was so impressed, and asked, “How did you do it?”
“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab in his tank. I put my white flag up, and the Arab raised his white flag. I asked the Arab soldier, ‘Do you want to get a 3-day pass?’ He agreed, so we exchanged tanks!”
Mordechai A.
The Clean Cup
A couple walked into a cheap-looking restaurant. As they were about to sit down they noticed there were crumbs on the seat. After cleaning up the seat and wiping down the table, they sat down. A waitress came over and asked them what they wanted, “I’ll just take a coffee,” said the man. “Me too,” said the lady. “And make sure the cup is clean.” The waitress returned with their drinks and said, “Okay, now, which one of you wanted the clean cup?”
Gladys D.
Wrong Diagnosis
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Eddie,” said Margaret, “everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Eddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.” “That’s very nice about your Eddie, says Gertrude. But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with scrambled eggs, toast, and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper. He truly treats me like a queen.” “Well,” says Barbara, “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry. Twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them – and who do you think he speaks about at those prices?” asks Barbara with a big, excited smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
Frieda M.
Watch What You Say!
As a first grade teacher, I often hear from my students things going on in their family. Harry’s mother was expecting, and naturally Harry was very excited about it. When one day Harry stopped talking about it I was concerned and questioned him. “Well,” Harry said, “my mother told me I could feel the baby moving in her stomach – I think she ate it!”
Sara G.
Missing Shoes
As part of my job as a preschool teacher I have to help the children put on their coats and shoes. One rainy day when school was over and the children were getting ready to leave, one child came over to me in tears saying, “My shoes are missing!” I pointed to her shoes and replied, “They are in the corner.” “Those are not mine!” she said, stamping her foot, “Mine had rain drops on them!”
Marlene G.
History Lesson
A man gathered all of his children together and said, “Children, when George Washington knocked down the cherry tree, he told his father honestly that it was him. Now, answer me honestly, who knocked down the shed? Finally, the youngest son admitted it was him, at which he received a punishment he wouldn’t soon forget. “That’s not fair,” complained the son, “George Washington didn’t get punished when he told the truth.” “Son,” replied the father, “the difference is, that George Washington’s father wasn’t in the tree when he knocked it down!”
Solomon S.
Mixed Signals
An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn’t say anything feeling himself a “guest” and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American’s dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver.
“Listen.” he says, “When you went through the red light, I didn’t say anything. But why on earth are you stopping at a green light?”
The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: “Are you crazy?!” he shouts. “The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?”
David M.
Hot Line
A young man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned. “What happened?” asked the doctor. “Well,” the man explained, “my wife was ironing clothing behind my chair while I was watching a video. She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.” “Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor. “And what happened to your other ear?” “Well,” the young man responded, “right afterwards, the phone rang again!”
Nathan H.
Lost in Translation
A Polish immigrant who was married to an American woman barged into the police station out of breath. “My wife, she tried to kill me,” he stammered. “Are you absolutely sure?” questioned the police officer. “Of course I’m sure.” He countered, insulted. “You think I’m dumb, look what I found in her purse.” He pulled out a bottle from his pocket and said, “Look – it says Polish Remover!”
Ronnie C.
My Favorite Son
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Eddie,” said Margaret, “everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Eddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.” “That’s very nice about your Eddie, says Gertrude. But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with scrambled eggs, toast, and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper. He truly treats me like a queen.” “Well,” says Barbara, “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry. Twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them – and who do you think he speaks about at those prices?” asks Barbara with a big, excited smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
Frieda M.