QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
Thank you for your monthly articles. They have helped me very much. Baruch Hashem, my marriage is very good, but I would appreciate some advice on how to handle certain situations.
Once in a while (maybe once or twice a week), my wife asks me to do something, and I’m happy to help. The issue is that if it’s not done her way or exactly how she wants, she sometimes becomes agitated and snappy. She might say things like, “Why did you mess it up again?” or “Hurry up,” in an angry tone. I’m not sure whether I should just let it go or say something. I don’t want to cause a fight, but it does bother me. Or perhaps I’m making something out of nothing. I would really appreciate your guidance.
R’ Ali’s Response:
You raised several important points. First, I want to commend you for working on your marriage and striving to grow. This is truly admirable. You mention that your marriage is already very good. You want to make it even better. This is a mindset others can learn from. Too often, people reach a level of comfort in their marriage and remain there. While that isn’t necessarily bad, it can be unfortunate when there is potential for something even greater.
Regarding your question – whether to let it go or to say something – I believe this stems from a common but mistaken belief that staying silent preserves peace, while speaking up creates conflict. In reality, the opposite is often true. When we suppress our feelings to avoid “conflict,” we may instead build resentment, and resentment can be damaging to a relationship if left unaddressed.
It’s important to move beyond the idea that expressing ourselves calmly and respectfully will lead to a fight. Many people feel this way because they’ve seen that when they speak up, their spouse becomes upset. However, in this case, it seems she may become upset, regardless. You might as well speak up, communicating in a way that allows for understanding and growth.
To be clear, you should feel comfortable expressing how you feel. For example, if she says, “Hurry up,” you might respond, “I understand you’d like this done quickly, but it’s hard for me to help when I feel pressured. I’m happy to help, just without that pressure.”
In the case of “you messed it up again,” it may be better to wait for a calm moment and say something like, “I know you don’t mean any harm, and I’m glad to help, however when I hear that I ‘messed up again,’ it hurts.”
These are examples of healthy communication. The key is to be gentle, thoughtful, and kind. Avoid bringing these things up in moments of frustration or anger. That will only escalate the situation. A strong relationship depends on open and respectful communication. She may initially feel defensive, but over time, she will likely come to understand your perspective and may even improve how she expresses herself.
Finally, regarding your concern about whether you are “making something out of nothing” – if something consistently bothers you, and being bothered by this type of thing is considered normal, most likely it is worth addressing. Sometimes it can be difficult to determine what is “normal,” and in such cases, seeking the perspective of a wise and objective third party can be helpful.