Ellen Geller Kamaras
“Everyone depends on me, I never stop thinking about what needs to be done. It is exhausting, but I wouldn’t trade the time with my family.”
Do these words sound familiar? Then you are probably a member of the sandwich generation.
In the U.S., millions of women and men belong to this group.
According to Mental Health America, the forties is the peak age when Americans are the most likely to be sandwiched. Today nearly one in four U.S. adults are in the “sandwich generation.”
What is in this new demographic?
They are adults who are juggling the tasks of caring for their aging parents (65+) and raising dependent children while trying to maintain their own careers. Caught in the middle, they are sandwiched between the needs of two different generations, each with its distinct demands and challenges. According to the Pew Research Center, fifty-four percent of adults in their forties are currently taking care of a child and a 65+ parent.
Longer Lives Equals Longer Care
The sandwich demographic also includes people in their 50s, 60s, and even 70s. Yes, you read right! People in their late fifties, sixties, and early seventies are babysitting for their grandchildren as well as managing the care and finances of an elderly parent.
People are living longer. According to the Social Security Administration, one out of every four 65-year-olds today will live past age 90. In addition, our young adult children often need our help post-college. Top Resume, a prominent professional resume-writing service, conducted a survey of 600 U.S. parents that revealed that nearly 40 percent of recent graduates lack full-time work, leaving families to cover housing, bills, and more. Yes, the sandwich generation takes care of adult children, too!
A new term was coined for someone around age 70, “the club sandwich or triple-decker sandwich generation.” It’s used for people assisting an elderly parent while also helping adult children and young grandchildren.
A Balancing Act
Parenting, caregiving, and maintaining one’s own household and career are the three major responsibilities that require simultaneous balancing by the sandwich generation.
This life stage can be quite overwhelming. Let’s talk about the ways the sandwich generation can navigate and manage the demands and rewards of this dual-caregiving role. The required tasks are not only practical and involve time management but may also take an emotional and financial toll on the caregiver.
Ensuring our older parents get the best care possible is our responsibility and our privilege as adult children.
Caregivers in the sandwich generation often feel like they are being pulled in many directions. They report feeling stressed, guilty, pressured by time constraints, and strained financially. It’s vital to protect your own health. Remember to put your own oxygen mask on first! To avoid caregiver burnout, ensure you carve out time for sufficient sleep, exercise, a social life, and your own health care.
And let’s not forget your own career and job. You may need to think creatively how to maintain your job and still offer care needed for older parents. This may mean asking for family leave or organizing a shorter workweek. Review the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) guidelines and speak to your Human Resources representative to determine the benefits your company offers to sandwich generation employees. Common perks may include flexible work arrangements, caregiver leave, elder care resources, financial and legal support, back-up care, and employee assistance programs.
Practical Strategies and Techniques
First, plan ahead: Inquire about your parents’ health and long-term insurance coverage. Check their legal documents including wills, health care proxies, and power of attorney (POA). Determine if they have money set aside for retirement. Consulting with an elder care case manager and attorney will educate you on how to best assist your parents. If one spouse gets sick suddenly, if there is not a power of attorney in place, the other spouse may not be able to handle the other’s financial and legal affairs.
Helping a 65+ parent can be extra challenging when the parent sees help as a threat to their independence. Adult children often encounter resistance when they talk to their parents about powers of attorney, health care proxies, and adding beneficiaries to their bank accounts. Start with a soft touch. The conversation will go better if the adult child frames their intent as protecting their parents’ choices rather than taking over their lives. Explain that a POA or health care proxy gives them more control if they can’t speak for themselves or they cannot handle something temporarily. Otherwise, the courts or a total stranger might make decisions on their behalf.
Communicate and coordinate with your siblings and spouses: Teamwork is a must. Do not go it alone or try to do everything by yourself. You will burn out quickly. Based on your schedules and locations, determine who can take care of what, such as taking care of finances and insurance. Siblings can prevent burning out by taking turns driving elderly parents to medical appointments or hosting them in their homes for the holidays or Shabbatot.
My rabbi’s wife, Shternie, has six siblings. All seven siblings are on a family WhatsApp chat to discuss and share the tasks related to their mother’s care. Shternie checks her daily work and personal calendars every morning, reviewing her appointments and availability to pitch in with the grandchildren.
Caregiving is tougher when some or all of the adult children live far away from their aging parents.
Getting your spouse on board to help with your own dependent children is key. You may have to hire a sitter, or other family members may be available to pitch in.
It is not uncommon for family scenarios to get complicated, and for the spouse who was “the healthy one” to become the one who needs extra care. Often it is critical for husbands or wives to step up to the plate to take care of duties their spouse has been responsible for, and their children need to step in, as well. In order for the sandwich generation members to be free to help, sometimes outsourcing some basic tasks may be in order – such as using babysitters or teens who can pick up kids from school while their parents are involved with aging or ill parents.
Use Outside and Community Resources: You can’t do everything yourself. There are adult day programs, senior centers, and transportation services available to assist you. You may have to hire a home health aide or your parents’ insurance coverage may cover it. Sephardic Bikur Holim (SBH) and the Sephardic Community Center (SCC) offer excellent services for our senior population.
When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease, she was enrolled in an adult day care program in a nursing home. She was picked up and returned home by van and was in a nurturing and stimulating environment from 9am to 4pm. She lived with her daughter Debbie, who was her primary caregiver. Debbie joined an SCC support group for caregivers and benefited greatly from it.
Time management: Consider using e a shared digital calendar and sync up family apps likeTimeTree to track appointments, school events, and care shifts.
Establish boundaries and priorities: Practice self-care and acknowledge that you cannot meet everyone’s needs personally. Please ask for help from family or friends or get paid or community services.
Involve your children appropriately and reap the rewards: Explain your role as caregiver of your children’s grandparent and encourage your kids to participate in age-appropriate ways. Your young children can entertain an aging grandparent by playing a game with them or can occupy them by playing a musical instrument. Or they can brighten their day by just drawing a picture for them.
My childhood friend Bonnie took care of both her parents. “I always had the mitzvah of kibud av v’eim at the forefront. My adult children and grandchildren understood that Grandma and Grandpa came first. From a chinuch angle, it was priceless and they learned about the obligation and mitzvah of taking care of parents. My parents modeled it for me.”
Another close girlfriend shared that she is sandwiched among three generations, which presents both challenges and blessings. She is retired and can spend significant time maintaining strong connections with her 99-year-old mother, her children, and her grandchildren.
Her mother is totally dependent on a wonderful caregiver who is indispensable. My friend visits her mother daily except on Shabbat and has special bonding times with her grandchildren, doing art or gardening. She and her husband also touch base with each adult child weekly without being intrusive.
From personal experience, I can say that the value of giving back to our parents and grandparents cannot be measured.
Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach. Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching. She can be contacted at ellen.kamaras@gmail.com (www.lifecoachellen.com).