QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I hope I don’t sound like a mean person, but there is something that bothers me, which turns into a fight very often. I work very hard to support my family. When I come home, the house is messy and most of the time food is not ready. I ask my wife to have things somewhat ready. This almost always turns into a fight. Is there a way to get my message across?
R’ Ali’s Response:
I’d like to highlight one point before I begin to put things into perspective. You mention that you don’t want to sound mean. Many people are hesitant to reach out because they feel petty or embarrassed by their behavior. We need to understand that we are all human and have our own personal struggles. These struggles are nothing to be ashamed of and certainly are not a reason to hold back from reaching out. Although it’s rarely too late to reach out, many times people only reach out very late in the game, making things harder to repair.
You wrote that this issue turns into a fight when you mention something. I’m aware that “communication is the key” (or maybe not), but there are times when communication can damage a relationship. If you see something is not working, stop doing it. Until you figure out a better way to approach the situation, do not approach the situation.
It would be ideal to actually discuss this point with your wife. “It seems as though we do not see eye to eye on this point. Let’s not discuss it until we figure out what to do.” Your question was, “Is there any way to get my message across?” I think you got your message across. Your wife is well aware of your feelings on this matter. Clearly, there’s something that’s missing here.
A great man once said, “Everyone knows everything.” Meaning, people think that their spouse doesn’t know what they want or how badly they want it. They think that all they need is someone to explain it to them and they will comply. This is a big mistake, for the most part. The question that people have when I tell them this idea is, why won’t they just do it!?
There are many reasons why they can’t do something that would make you happy. It could be that it’s very hard for them to do certain things. Those things may be easy for you, but hard for them.
Another reason could be that they want to push back due to the way you are approaching the topic. It may be in an aggressive way, which causes them to be resistant. There’s another reason that is common and that is gender differences. Men will look at cooking and cleaning as very simple and something that takes minimal preparation. This could be due to some men comparing their labor to that of their wives. (This applies to how women think about men, as well.)
Speaking to a third party can help you sort out the reason why your wife is resistant. Thereby you can approach the situation in a better, more productive manner. In general, I like to tell people that if you want things done differently, do it yourself. If you don’t like to come home to a messy house, get cleaning help, ask the kids to chip in, or you yourself can chip in. Of course, this is just a general rule and should be applied carefully.