You Get What You Pay For
An old man walks into a town square with a big sign around his neck that reads, “Old Man’s Message: Wisdom for a nickel!”
A skeptical passerby tosses a nickel into the old man’s hat and says, “Alright, wise guy, what’s your message?” The old man looks up, grinning ear to ear, and says, “Never spend a nickel on something you can learn for free!”
Shirley K.
Don’t Look Back
Rabbi Weinstein was teaching his third grade class the story of Lot and his wife. Rabbi Weinstein described that when Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt.
Just then little David Silverstein interrupted. “My mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she turned into a rose bush!”
Leon B.
Expert Advice
On a flight to Florida, Mary was preparing notes for one of the parent education seminars she conducted. The elderly Jewish woman named Rivka sitting next to Mary explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks in New York visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren, and 10 great-grandchildren. Then Rivka inquired what Mary did for a living.
Mary told her that she was an educational psychologist, fully expecting Rivka to question her for free professional advice.
Instead, Rivka sat back and said, “Okay, if there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”
Rhonda T.
Eye of the Tiger
Max is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it,” he tells his wife Miriam. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
Miriam sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea with a piece of cake. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother Herman with you and give it one more try?”
“That’s no good,” sighs Max. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”
“He may be a hundred and three,” says Miriam, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So, the next day, Max heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law Herman. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to Herman. “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replies Herman. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Max.
“I don’t remember…”
Victor L.
Multilingual
An American soldier serving in Israel called his family from overseas. “Hi Mom, I learned to speak three languages since I’ve been deployed.” His mom responded, “Well, I hope one of them is better English so you can tell us all about it!”
Dave J.
Don’t Worry – Be Happy
Moishe, Shmuel, and Chaim met once a week in the Lower East Side in Manhattan to discuss the world’s situation. On one occasion, they tried to solve the problems of life.
“Where do all of life’s problems come from?” asked Chaim.
The more they talked about it, the more they thought they knew the answer. The problem of life is that everyone has worries. “If people didn’t have any worries,” said Shmuel, “then life would be easy.”
But now that they knew, another question remained. How can we three end our worries?
They thought for a while and then Moishe said, “Why don’t we hire somebody to do all the worrying for us so that we can then have it easy?”
Shmuel said, “Great idea. It won’t be an easy job, but between us, we could come up with enough to compensate him for this challenging role.”
So, they all agreed to chip in to pay someone $2,000 a month to do all their worrying for them.
They were very happy with this decision until Shmuel pointed out the flaw.
“Tell me,” he said, “If the man is making $2,000 each month, what has he got to worry about?”
Hannah P.
Dental Dues
Morty went to visit his dentist, Dr. Goldstein, and sure enough, his candy habit had caught up to him.
Dr. Goldstein: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry – it will take just five minutes.
Morty: And how much will it cost?
Dr. Goldstein: It’s $450.00.
Morty: $450.00 for just a few minutes of work?!
Dr. Goldstein: I can extract it very slowly if you’d like.
Sammy C
Fire Drill
Saul and his classmates at the Talmud Torah Center had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.
Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him. He asked little Saul, “What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?”
Saul replied promptly, “I don’t put them on!”
Maxine R.
Money Is No Object
Issy is not well and goes to see Doctor Myers. After examining him, Doctor Myers says, “Well, I can help you, but it will require many sessions.”
“Okay,” says Issy, “how much is this going to cost me?”
“The 12 sessions plus drugs will cost you $1,500,” replies Doctor Myers.
“Oy,” says Issy, “I’m not a wealthy man, Doctor. Couldn’t you make it less?”
“Well … I could do it for $1,200,” replies Doctor Myers.
“It’s still more than I can afford, Doctor,” says Issy. “I’ve got three children and a wife to support.”
“Okay,” says Doctor Myers, “how about $1,000?”
“It’s still too high, Doctor,” says Issy. “My business is doing terrible and my wife has told her mother that she can live with us.”
“Alright already,” says Doctor Myers, “I’ll do it for $600 and not a penny less.”
“Thanks Doctor, I can do that,” says Issy.
“Good,” says Doctor Myers, “but tell me – why did you come to me to seek treatment when you know I’m the most expensive doctor in this area?”
“Well,” replies Issy, “you’ve got a marvelous reputation and when it comes to my health, money is no object!”
Harry S.
Expensive Taste
Mrs. Epstein, feeling sorry for a pauper who appears at her door, invites him in, and gives him a substantial meal: chicken, kugel, wine, and two kinds of bread – rye bread and challah.
The pauper devours everything he is given except the rye bread. “The challah was wonderful,” he says. “Do you have any more?”
“My dear man,” says Mrs. Epstein, “we have plenty of rye bread, but challah is very expensive.”
“I know,” says the pauper. “But believe me lady, it’s worth it!”
Marvin D.