Ellen Geller Kamaras
Do you listen, really listen, when people talk?
Sadly, listening is becoming a lost art.
In today’s high-tech world, there are many digital distractions. Listening skills have deteriorated with the impulse to multitask and due to people’s tendency to rush in with a response without processing and understanding what the other person said. Poor listening means it’s difficult to have a true empathetic conversation with another.
Here’s good news – listening is a learnable skill.
The ability to listen, pause before you reply, validate what the other person is saying, and not rush in with advice or your own personal experience, is a skill that takes a lot of intention and practice.
True listening makes us genuine and caring individuals. Many respected leaders including rabbis, business and nonprofit CEOs, and elected officials view listening as a key skill for their success. The benefits are building trust, improving problem-solving, and creating strong relationships and communication.
Listening empathically is a skill. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It’s about putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.
When you disclose something important to a friend and you are interrupted or your friend pivots the conversation towards him or herself, you can politely stop them and ask, “Did you hear what I just said?” It is best not to judge, and to appreciate the other positive attributes. Perhaps there is something else going on in their life that prevents them from focusing.
Coaching professors teach the mnemonic “WAIT,” Why Am I Talking? A coach is expected to listen to his or her clients and to ask powerful open-ended questions that encourage insights and reflection.
True Listening
Authentic listening is one of the most valuable gifts we can present to another. Listening versus advice or solutions. Rabbis, therapists, and leaders agree that the first step to healing, trust, and cooperation is frequently that step of feeling heard.
Feeling heard means having your thoughts, emotions, and experiences acknowledged and validated. It goes beyond the physical act of listening. It is the subjective experience of feeling understood and taken seriously, even if the other person doesn’t necessarily agree with your perspective.
True listening enables connecting to another person and demonstrates love. When you actively listen to your spouse, a child, or friend, you are creating a safe space for them to talk freely and feel valued.
Ask More, Tell Less
Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski, z”l, a respected rabbi and psychiatrist, taught that listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Often, people do not need advice. They need someone to hear them without interruption.
Counseling professionals encourage family members to ask questions instead of rushing to offer solutions. Solutions can create resistance whereas questions invite dialogue, for example, what worries you the most?
Therapists strive to listen without judgment and to listen with their eyes and ears, and practice active listening. They use their eyes to notice nuances, a client’s body language, tone, breathing, pauses, and shifts in energy. Listening is a tool used to build the client’s trust, understand emotions, and to help them heal. Trust and empathy are the pillars of therapeutic listening and allow the client to express themselves freely.
Life coaches are trained to listen actively. Active listening is defined as focusing completely on what the client says and leaves unsaid.
Active listening is more than just hearing words or repeating them back. It is about deep curiosity. Like a mirror, a coach reflects the client’s words back to them, allowing the client to look at their own thoughts from a new angle.
Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and is a Professor of Practice in Management at the University of Texas. She is best known for her work on vulnerability, empathy, and leadership. She highlights the importance of listening without judgment. She teaches that people feel connected when they experience empathy, and empathy begins with listening. Listen to understand others in the exact same way we want to be understood. Brown cautions against listening just to reply or waiting for your turn to speak. Effective listening requires empathy, holding a safe space, and staying non-judgmental.
An Essential Leadership Skill
Experts share that the most effective leaders listen differently than their peers. They listen for understanding and not just for information. They listen with their full concentration and listen to learn what they don’t know yet.
The most expensive leadership mistake isn’t a bad strategic decision – it’s failing to listen effectively. Harvard Business School reports that when employees feel genuinely heard at work, they experience greater internal motivation, increased creativity, and stronger engagement.
Community leaders use listening to build trust, clearly understand needs before offering solutions, foster engagement and understanding, reduce division, strengthen relationships across differences, and create buy-in for decisions.
President Abraham Lincoln was known for hearing out people with whom he disagreed. He surrounded himself with advisers who held different opinions and listened to them before making decisions.
How Do We Reclaim the Art of Listening?
Be totally present. Shut your phone. Turn your whole body toward the speaker.
Always allow the person to finish speaking and pause before you reply. Show you value what the speaker is saying. Suppress the urge to interrupt or formulate an argument. This takes patience and practice.
Restate what the speaker is saying in your own words to ensure you understood correctly. Ask open-ended questions that start with how, what, or why. They encourage meaningful responses versus yes or no answers. For example, ask, “How did that make you feel?”
I leave you with my favorite tool, the THINK model. Before you speak, THINK: Is it true, helpful, inspiring, necessary, kind?
T Is it true?
H Is it helpful?
I Is it inspiring?
N Is it necessary?
K Is it kind?
Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach. Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching. Ellen can be contacted at ellen.kamaras@gmail.com (www.lifecoachellen.com).