Menucha Fuchs
Everyone knows that before Yom Kippur we must ask forgiveness from our friends and family members we have hurt. Our prayers to Gd do not help to fix our wrongdoings to our fellow man. But how do we get the courage to ask forgiveness? I messed up with my spouse or friends so much, how can I even ask?
Asking forgiveness is not pleasant, but when you do ask, it shows the other party you wronged that you admit you made a mistake, and you show him you are not proud of your actions, and you regret them. So, although it is difficult, you will feel cleansed after asking forgiveness. Knowing this will help you to garner the courage you need. When asking forgiveness, you demonstrate that you did not maliciously cause harm on purpose, but rather, you were not thinking properly or were not paying attention when you wronged your friend or family member, especially your spouse.
Living with a spouse that is incapable of saying sorry is difficult. The conclusion one draws from such refusal is: “He/she wanted to hurt me and doesn’t care.” As soon as you say you are sorry you clarify that you actually do love them, you had no intention of hurting them, and that what you did or said that was taken as hurtful was by mistake. When you apologize you take a great load off of both of you.
Asking forgiveness from a 10-year-old boy whose foot you stepped on is pretty easy. But asking forgiveness from the same child for speaking meanly about him, either behind his back or to his face, is much harder. Some “sorrys” are easy and spontaneous, and some cause you to approach with trepidation.
There are those who cannot get the word “sorry” out of their mouths, but on the other hand, they do a lot of good deeds. If such a person needs your forgiveness, accept it even if that person attempts to gain forgiveness only through deeds and not through words.
Saying sorry can repair broken relationships. Where two people have kept a distance from each other because of something that happened, saying sorry can help them to get back on track.
When someone asks you for forgiveness, be open to accept it. If you close the door on your friend he may never come back and ask for forgiveness again and you may lose a friend. How can you refuse him? He went the distance, overcoming his internal opposition and discomfort, and came to ask forgiveness. Let’s remember we could be in his shoes. How can we be so brazen to ask forgiveness if we won’t give it ourselves?
My father, zt’l, who passed away two years ago, used to always ask us siblings to forgive each other. Invariably, one child would say: “But Dad, I didn’t do anything hurt to him!” And my father would answer, “It’s sufficient that he even thought that you did something wrong to him that you should ask his forgiveness. Now, think that maybe you actually did do something to him that you just forgot. So just go ask forgiveness…”
It can be difficult to say, “I’m sorry.” But when we do, we can come to the synagogue on Yom Kippur feeling purified in all our limbs. We succeeded and we overcame the obstacles in our way, and we did what we were supposed to do. Now we are clean and pure.