QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I am hoping you can give me some advice on how to make the most out of the Shabbat meals. I would love for my husband to say divrei Torah and sing zemirot. He usually falls asleep as soon as the meal starts. The kids are running around and not involved much. We usually argue and that doesn’t help.
R’ ALI’S RESPONSE:
We all picture a home filled with zemirot, divrei Torah, lively conversation, and children absorbing the warmth and holiness of the day. Those moments become cherished memories, and it’s understandable that you long to create them for your family.
At the same time, it helps to remember that every Shabbat table has its own reality. The picture we imagine is often different from what unfolds in real life, and that doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong.
You mention that your husband is usually very tired and dozes off as soon as the meal starts. Before viewing this as a lack of interest in Shabbat, consider what may be behind that exhaustion. Many husbands – and wives as well – work incredibly hard throughout the week. They carry the responsibility of earning a living, supporting a family, and juggling countless pressures. By the time Friday night arrives, they may be running on empty. Sometimes falling asleep is not a reflection of a person’s priorities, but is simply a reflection of how depleted they are.
Rather than seeing his fatigue as something standing in the way of your ideal Shabbat, try viewing it through the lens of appreciation. The very exhaustion that frustrates you may also be evidence of how hard he has worked for your family all week. Looking at it this way can soften feelings of disappointment and replace them with compassion.
You also mention your children. Every parent wants their children to experience the beauty of Shabbat. But it’s important to remember that children are, first and foremost, children. They are naturally energetic, curious, and often unable to sit quietly through a long meal. Expecting them to behave like mature, attentive adults can lead to frustration for everyone involved.
Here is the most important point. Do not allow one disappointment to create a much bigger problem. If your husband’s tiredness becomes a source of criticism, arguments, or resentment, the attempt to improve Shabbat can unintentionally damage the very peace that Shabbat is meant to bring into the home.
Our rabbis place tremendous value on shalom bayit. A peaceful home is not separate from Shabbat – it is one of its greatest expressions. Sometimes preserving that peace is more spiritually meaningful than insisting everything unfold according to our expectations.
If you would like your husband to share more divrei Torah or sing zemirot, positive reinforcement will almost always accomplish more than criticism can. Notice and appreciate the moments when he does engage, even if they are brief. A sincere comment such as, “I really loved hearing you share that thought,” or, “The children enjoyed when you sang that song,” can be incredibly encouraging. People naturally gravitate toward places where they feel appreciated.
By contrast, repeated reminders, complaints, or comparisons often have the opposite effect. No one wants to come to the Shabbat table feeling that they’re about to be evaluated. Encouragement creates motivation; criticism usually creates resistance.
You might also consider making your expectations more modest. Perhaps one short dvar Torah, one favorite song, or involving the children in simple ways is enough for this stage of your family’s life. As circumstances change and the children mature, your Shabbat table will evolve as well.
The goal of Shabbat is not to produce a perfect performance but to create a home filled with holiness, love, and rest. If your husband feels accepted, your children feel welcome, and your home is peaceful, then you are already giving your family one of the greatest gifts Shabbat has to offer.