Hanukah Gift
For Hanukah, a man purchased his wife a stunning diamond ring.
“I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive cars,” a friend of his remarks after hearing about this costly gift.
“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
Michael K.
Techno-Diner
Working on a computer all day has definitely messed with Sarah’s view of reality. We had just placed our lunch order, and as our waiter walked away, he slipped on a wet spot on the floor. “How about that?” she observed dryly. “Our server is down.”
Karen S.
Dining Out
Mr. Goldstein walked into a diner in Brooklyn and ordered lunch. In a few minutes, the waiter brought his order. The turkey was like shoe-leather, and the peas and potatoes were raw and cold.
He pushed the plate aside and called the waiter. “This is horrible. I can’t eat this! Call the manager!”
The waiter smiled meekly and replied, “It wouldn’t do any good, he wouldn’t eat it either!”
Sol D.
First Week of School
It’s Friday afternoon and Miriam picks up her five-year-old daughter Esther at the end of her first week at primary school. When they get home, Miriam asks Esther, “Well, darling, how was your first week at your lovely new school? Was it as nice as Mommy told you it would be?”
“No, Mommy,” replies little Esther, looking very serious. “No, it was not!”
“Oh, my poor wonderful darling,” says Miriam sadly. “Why didn’t you enjoy yourself?”
Little Esther replies, “Well Mommy, I think I’m just wasting my time going to school.”
“Why is this, my beautiful princess?” asks Miriam.
“Because, Mommy,” replies little Esther, “I can’t read or write at all. I’m afraid this school thing just isn’t for me.”
Sara R.
Birthday Surprise
Little Moe was so proud of himself for making a birthday cake for his mother. Chocolate cake being her weakness, Mrs. Rosenberg gulped down almost the entire thing. When she was finished, Little Moe happily exclaimed, “I’m so glad you like the cake I made you, Mommy. I’m sorry, there should have been 32 candles on the cake, but they were all gone when I took it out of the oven!”
Maxine F.
Are You Going My Way?
Mitch was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a ride into town.
“Sure,” said John Smith, someone Mitch didn’t quite get along with. “My Rolls Royce is just outside,” Smith said proudly.
As they’re driving along, Mitch asks, “John, what’s that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?”
“That’s my clock.”
A few minutes later, Mitch asks, “And what’s that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?”
“That’s my speedometer,” says John.
Then a few minutes after that, Mitch starts to ask, “But what’s that…”
“Hold on a minute, Mitch, I can see you’ve never been in a Rolls Royce before,” John says snootily.
Thinking quickly, Mitch replied, “Well, never in the front seat.”
Alex G.
Chicken Little
Emma, the teacher, is reading her class the story of Chicken Little. Emma gets to the part where Chicken Little tries to warn the farmer. “So, Chicken Little went over to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’”
Emma then asks her class, “And what do you think the farmer said then?”
Little Maxie raises his hand. “I don’t know what the farmer said. But I would have said, ‘I can’t believe it! A talking chicken!’”
Joe B.
Dad’s List
Eliezer returned from yeshiva in Israel for a break, and noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals his father had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
Eliezer promptly added: “Send Eliezer money every month.”
A few days later his older brother David wrote: “Make payments on car for David.”
Then their older sister Rivkah joined in with: “Send Rivkah on a trip to Israel.”
Finally, their father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”
Shaul T.
Catching Up on Computers
Rachel decided to improve her computer skills to keep up with her kids who were in the hi-tech industry in Israel. She threw herself into the task with enthusiasm, borrowing two or three instructional books from the Tel Aviv library each week.
After about a month, the librarian commented: “Wow! You must be getting really knowledgeable about this stuff.”
“Thanks. What makes you say that?” asked Rachel.
“Well,” said the librarian, “only one of the books you’re taking out this week has ‘For Dummies’ in the title.”
Carol Z.
A Ticket to Ride
A motorist was speeding down the highway when a cop caught up with him and ticketed him for speeding. “What am I supposed to do with this?” the motorist grumbled as the policeman handed him the speeding ticket.
“Keep it,” the cop said. “When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”
Rena A.
Holy Cow
Rabbi Emanuel, the Beth David Hebrew school teacher, was telling his class the story of the Prophet Elijah and the false prophets of Baal. He explained to his class how Elijah built the altar; put wood upon it; cut the cow in pieces and laid it upon the altar. Then he told the class how Elijah commanded the Jewish people to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar; and to do this four times.
Rabbi Emanuel then asked his class, “Now, can anyone here tell me why Hashem wanted Elijah to pour water over the cow on the altar?”
Rebecca, a little girl at the back of the classroom, started waving her hand, “I know Rabbi, I know!” she shouted out. “It’s to make the gravy!”
Arlene C.
Hide-and-Seek
One day, some builders are renovating an old building in Jerusalem when Solly, one of the workers, falls through the rotten floor into a previously undiscovered cellar. As the dust settles, Solly sees to his horror a skeleton lying in the corner. The skeleton is wearing a blue and white sash with these words written on it: “ALL ISRAEL HIDE-AND-SEEK CHAMPION 1952.”
Eddie B.