QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I would say my marriage is okay. We don’t fight, but there are things that are very unpleasant. My husband has a hard time apologizing. It seems to me that he thinks he’s perfect and is never wrong. I’ve had this conversation with him many times, but to no avail. Maybe he’s a narcissist? I don’t know. Any advice would be helpful.
R’ Ali’s Response:
A couple that doesn’t fight is a very good thing.
Of course, the ideal is to take things to the next level and work through the issues that remain. But we shouldn’t look at “no fighting” as a zero. I know countless couples who pray every day to be able to say, “We stopped fighting.”
About your husband having a hard time apologizing – I hear this complaint from both men and women. I’m really just scratching the surface here, so think of this as a springboard for exploring these topics in greater depth.
The first thing to understand is that your husband’s difficulty apologizing most likely has nothing to do with a personality disorder or some deep-seated complex.
Although, I do believe that full-blown personality disorders exist, they account for a minority of cases. And when they are present, the issues typically go far beyond simply “having a hard time apologizing.”
Most people have a hard time apologizing, and there’s a reason for this.
Whenever there’s a disagreement, each person believes they’re right. For example, let’s say your husband comes home late from work. You ask him why he didn’t call or let you know he would be late. He gives you excuses for why he was delayed. Now you’re waiting for an apology for coming home late.
The problem? He doesn’t think he needs to apologize. He has his side of the story, and you have yours.
This is actually expressed in a pasuk in Mishlei, “Every way of a man is right in his own eyes.”
Ironically, if I were to speak with your husband, he might say exactly the same thing about you: “She has a hard time apologizing!”
My point is that he probably does apologize for things he recognizes as wrong. I’m pretty sure that if he accidentally stepped on a stranger’s foot, he would say, “Sorry!” And that would be unintentional, too!
Now, I know this doesn’t make the problem disappear. But I’ve seen problems linger for years, and it wasn’t necessarily because of stubbornness or poor character. Rather, the problem stemmed from a mistaken assessment of the situation.
No advice will help a couple who doesn’t understand why they’re struggling in the first place.
Once we recognize that the issue may not be his unwillingness to apologize, but rather his difficulty seeing your side of the story, we can shift gears. Instead of focusing on getting him to apologize, we can focus on something much more productive.
Let’s return to our earlier example. Your husband comes home late without calling or texting. Instead of harping on what you perceive as his insensitivity, focus on what actually happened and what you’d like to see change.
You might tell yourself: My husband was late, and he didn’t call. There are two things I want to accomplish here.
First, I’d like us to discuss what can be done differently in the future so we can avoid this situation. Second, I’d like him to understand that it hurts me when things like this happen.
When you communicate this to him, it doesn’t have to become a debate about whether he was wrong or whether he should apologize. Keep it quick and simple.
You might say: “I know this was unintentional, and I know you don’t mean to hurt me. However, I take these things hard, and I’d appreciate it if we could figure out how to handle this differently in the future.”
That’s it.
Now he can choose to apologize or not. Instead of trying to force an apology, explain that the situation bothers you and allow the apology to come organically.
Many times, people resist apologizing because they feel attacked. There can be other reasons, too. But when we remove the pressure to admit fault and instead focus on understanding one another, we create a much better opportunity for a meaningful conversation.