Ellen Geller Kamaras
We are raising our children in a rapidly evolving world, one very different than the world we grew up in.
Children today are growing up with unrelenting pressures. These may include academic pressure, and anxiety around popularity, friendships, and their appearance. Add to all that the anxiety they feel about what’s happening in the world around them, including violence, war, anti-Semitism, natural disasters, economic fluctuations, technological shifts, and an uncertain future.
Our kids have been exposed through smartphones and social media to adult worries at younger ages. How can we help our children deal with these stressors that can significantly affect their mental health?
Parents and caregivers need to be on alert to recognize and effectively address the behavioral and emotional issues that our children can develop. We need to help our children succeed and cope with these stressors and the uncertainty they absorb from adults and from social media.
When change is the norm, adaptability and resilience are critical tools for survival and for strong mental health. We need to work with our kids to develop their resiliency and agility muscles.
What Is Resilience?
Resilience is the ability to cope with and to recover from setbacks and adversity, learning from obstacles, and adapting to continuous change. A resilient person has strong coping skills, can marshal their available resources, ask for help when needed, and find ways to manage the situation they are facing.
Parents cannot remove every source of anxiety from a child’s life. Attempting this could prevent our kids from developing self-confidence and resilience. The good news is that we can create a secure emotional foundation for themfrom which they can tackle difficult feelings, solve problems, and learn that uncertainty doesn’t have to control them.
Be mindful about what you say around your child. Research indicates that overheard adult topics can affect your child’s self-worth, sense of safety, and emotional well-being. Kids are very sensitive to their parents’ facial expressions and body language, too. Children can easily detect tension around finances, health, global issues, and more.
Avoid talking about money problems and arguing in front of children. These can create feelings of anxiety and insecurity. Be careful not to make your kids responsible for your emotional health. Saying, “You are making me sick with worry,” makes your child feel responsible for protecting you.
Start at Home
Kids need to feel safe and secure at home both physically and emotionally. Feeling comfortable in one’s own skin means learning to love oneself and appreciate the special qualities that make you, you.
Ideally, we want our children to develop a secure attachment style. A secure attachment style is created when a child feels confident that their caregiver will be able to provide comfort and safety in times of stress. This trust continues as they age into adulthood, generally creating positive, close relationships.
Create a safe space where your kids can explore who they are, share their feelings, and discover what’s important to them. Let them know they can discuss any issue, big or small, without feeling judged. If they share something that troubles you, take a breath and remember your commitment to ensure your kids do not feel judged if they share with you. Their feeling judged, or even a “look,” like a raised eyebrow or pursed lips, will discourage your kids from sharing with you.
Establish a stable home environment with structure, routine, and security. Kids benefit from predictable schedules for meals, homework, bedtime, playdates, and family time.
Begin by Listening
Listening is often more helpful than offering advice. When parents listen rather than trying to solve their kids’ problems, they cultivate in their children higher self-esteem, stronger emotional development, and more effective problem-solving skills. When our children express anxiety it may be tempting to rush in and reassure them with: “Everything will be fine,” or “You have nothing to worry about.” However, these reactions may cause your kids to feel misunderstood. Instead, acknowledge their feelings. Doing so communicates to your child, “I hear you, and you don’t have to face this alone.”
Encourage your child to share what they are feeling: Listen calmly, avoid interrupting, and don’t turn every talk into a lesson.
Be a Positive Role Model
Parents, don’t pretend that you never feel anxious. Show your kids how you deal with your own normal anxieties. If your children see you managing stress in a healthy manner, they are likely to follow your lead. For example: “I feel stressed about a huge work deadline. I think a break would help. Would you like to join me for a walk?”
Balance
Encourage your kids to not make school their sole focus and to explore other interests and hobbies as well.
Teach your kids positive study habits and give them organizational tools to keep them focused and to lower their anxiety. Some children need creativity and others thrive on structure. Break big assignments into smaller, more manageable chunks. This allows your children to build small wins with each completed section.
Teach your kids to set small goals, such as completing a worksheet. This provides a sense of accomplishment and fuels motivation.
Global Issues
Tailor your comments about current events to be age appropriate and appropriate for your own kids. When you are stuck, you can say, “I don’t know the answer, but we could research it.”
Limit your children’s media consumption of frightening news and adult conversations that might increase their anxiety Topics like death, trauma, or anti-Semitism are best heard about from parents. When delving into these topics ask your child what they have heard before offering explanations. And ask if your children have questions and how they feel about what has happened.
When we help our children navigate the present moment, we prepare them for a lifetime of unknowns. Follow up to see if your kids have more questions and notice if they are having nightmares or are extra clingy.
Social Media Influence
Social media embraces cyberbullying, negative comparisons with peers, and pressure to maintain a certain online image.
Cyberbullying is when children use their cell phones or the internet to embarrass or scare other kids by posting humiliating photos on social media or by sending mean, abusive, or threatening direct messages. Another cyberbullying tactic is to intentionally exclude someone from online groups, chats, or multiplayer games.
If you discover that your child is being cyberbullied, help him to protect himself. Document offensive messages, posts, or images by taking screenshots. Use platform settings to block and mute the person, restricting their ability to comment. Report the abuse using the UNICEF Cyberbullying Guide or through the application’s safety center. Ignoring cyberbullying and turning off your child’s phone might get the bully to stop, although most teens would not want to be separated from phone access, despite cyberbullying. Speak to the bully’s parents and to the school administration.
It’s natural for kids/teenagers to want to belong. Social media increases this desire when it displays edited versions of other kids’ lives. Partner with your kids to establish reasonable boundaries. Take breaks from social media sites that cause distress. Eat family meals without phones, and place cellphones outside of the bedroom overnight. If parents adopt these rules, it will have a greater impact on their kids.
Explain to your children that popularity measures, like the number of followers or likes, do not determine their worth. Shifting friendships and rejections are painful but your kids can survive. Teach children to resolve conflicts, to communicate with friends by listening and articulating their feelings, and to practice empathy and kindness.
Technology
Technological advances have caused anxiety throughout history. Fears about machines replacing human labor date back to the 19th century. The “Productivity Paradox” was explained by Nobel Prize-winning economist Robert Solow in 1987, which claims that it is a false belief that there is a finite amount of work to be done in any economy.
Machines may replace specific tasks, but they rarely eliminate entire occupations. Instead, automation has historically increased productivity, decreased expenses, and caused massive demand, resulting in more jobs.
Artificial Intelligence, AI, in our daily lives creates anxiety. Explain AI to kids in a simple and reassuring manner and ensure they use AI safely. Clarify that AI is like a smart helper that can learn and make decisions and can assist us with tasks. Introduce kids to AI educational tools and games that clarify AI.
Restore Healthier Childhoods
In the past decade, the rates of anxiety, depression, and self-harm have markedly increased among children and teenagers. In Jonathan Haidt’s book, The Anxious Generation,
he maintains “that this crisis stems from the shift toward phone-based childhoods and away from play-based ones.”