Dear Jido,
I’ve always prided myself on being the friend who says yes. If someone needs help moving, a ride, a babysitter, or someone to listen after a bad day, I’m usually there. I rarely ask for anything in return.
Recently, though, I had a situation where I really needed help, and I was surprised by how few of my friends were willing to step up. It made me wonder whether I’ve created this problem myself by always making myself available and never letting people know that I sometimes may need their assistance as well.
Is being overly independent and always willing to help actually a form of self-sabotage in friendships? Am I being unreasonable to want a friendship that feels more mutual?
Signed,
Always There
Dear Always There,
Rabbi Meyer Yedid recently wrote a book entitled, “The Power of a Giver.” Not the power of “giving,” but rather the satisfaction and spiritual energy a person gets from being a “giver.” Gd bless you – that’s you. You’ve become a source of giving that others look to. It’s comforting for them and obviously fulfilling for you.
Many years ago, I had the privilege of working closely with one such “giver” of our community – a giant, a wellspring, a destination. In my wildest dreams, I could never picture him EVER needing something. Of course, if he did, I would have tried to help in my own way, but this tower of strength and independence had an aura that said – I can!
Perhaps, through no fault of your friends, they view you the same way. How could this person (you) have any needs!? And therefore, when you turned to them, it never occurred to them that a real need existed.
It’s always welcome to hear an expression of gratitude, but they just may not be up to your level of looking outwards to help others.
It’s wrong to be a shmattah, but it’s never wrong to be a giver. Let your friends know, the same way you did by writing to me, that sometimes you are vulnerable and that you turn to them, your closest friends, to lift you up when you are down, the same way you do for them.
I am confident they will get tears in their eyes, rush to give you a hug and say, “Oh Jane, I am so sorry, I never realized.”
Jido