Career or Commute
After starting a great new job, Richard’s ninety-minute commute to work wore him down quickly. The time he spent stuck in traffic was starting to send him over the edge, until finally he decided to quit and try to find something closer to home.
After several weeks, his good friend Bill was especially happy when he heard that Richard finally found a new job in the neighborhood.
“That’s great!” Bill exclaimed upon hearing the good news. “What are you doing now?”
With a deep sigh Richard replied, “I’m a bus driver.”
A Measure of Money
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my sister and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren’t sure what to order, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my sister happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home.
“Measure the bed frame before you leave,” I told her.
“I don’t have a tape measure.”
“You can use a dollar bill,” I suggested. “Each one is six inches long.”
“Can’t,” she replied, after digging through her purse. “I only have a ten.”
Mark Mom’s Words
One day, little Mark came home from school only to find his mother angry at the messy state of his room. Pointing to the disorder on the floor, she stated in no uncertain terms, “Every speck in that room better be picked up!”
After two and a half hours, Mom went to check up on Mark, expecting to find the room neat and orderly with all the clothing put away in its proper place. Instead, she found him on his hands and knees, still surrounded by mounds of clothes, slowly picking up tiny specks of dust…
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious.
“Hey,” he called out to the waitress. “These particles in my soup – aren’t they foreign objects?”
The waitress came and scrutinized his bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured him. “Those things live around here.”
Teacher: Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of baseball.
One minute later…
Jonah: Here’s my paper.
Teacher: Jonah, you spent only one minute writing your essay. Let’s hear what you wrote.
Jonah: Game called off on account of rain.
Real Estate Speak
Seller: What do you think of the house?
Buyer: It seems nice, but…
Seller: What’s the matter?
Buyer: It says in the ad that it’s overlooking the water…
Seller: Oh, you must not have seen the basement yet.
Scolding his students for not reading enough literature, a college professor compared them to a famous self-taught book enthusiast. “By the time Abraham Lincoln was your age,” he said to the class, “he had already read thousands of literary works.”
The remark didn’t seem to impress the class. Then from the back of the class a student answered, “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was already president.”
Professor Hadari was teaching advanced map reading in his earth sciences class at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes Professor Hadari asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a moment of silence, a student named Itzik volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
The Public Defender
At a press conference before the second day of the trial, the defense attorney expressed confidence in his case. “My client has been accused by the prosecutor of being an incorrigible bank robber, without a single socially redeeming feature,” the counselor said. “I intend to disprove that.”
“And how will you accomplish this?” one reporter inquired.
“Well for one thing,” replied the lawyer, “I intend to prove that the note my client handed the teller was written on recycled paper.”
Officers Without Borders
Arriving at a large ranch in Texas, the Drug Enforcement Officer informed the old rancher that he would be inspecting the premises for illegally grown drugs.
“Okay,” the rancher said. He then pointed to a certain location and added, “But don’t go in that field over there.”
“Listen mister,” the officer said angrily, “I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and displayed it right in front of the rancher’s face as he exploded into a verbal tirade. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand now?!”
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on
the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
Alarmed, the rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs, “Your badge! Show him your BADGE!”
The Right Wheels
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about how great their fathers are.
Little Jake says: “My father is a bike messenger; he can squeeze in between cars. In fact if he left here now, he could get all the way across town in less than two minutes.”
Little Brian says: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a policeman. If he left here now and put his siren on, he could get across town in less than one minute.”
Young John listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, “You two don’t know anything about fast. My father is a union worker and he’s so fast that if his shift was over right now, he would have been home 15 minutes ago.”
Moshe was at the flower store. “Sorry, we don’t have potted geraniums,” the clerk told Moshe, and then added helpfully, “Could you use African violets?”
“No,” replied Moshe sadly, “It was geraniums my wife Miriam told me to water while she was gone.”