A Visit to Grandma
A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.” She continued, “There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.” “Grandma, that sounds easy,” replied the grandson, “but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?” To which she answered, “You’re coming empty handed?”
Emma, the teacher, is reading her class the story of Chicken Little. Emma gets to the part where Chicken Little tries to warn the farmer. “So, Chicken Little went over to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’”
Emma then asks her class, “And what do you think the farmer said then?”
Little Maxie raises his hand. “I don’t know what the farmer said. But I would have said, ‘I can’t believe it! A talking chicken!’”
Saul Epstein joins a local gym in Jerusalem called “Dudu’s.” He can never find the time to go, but when he gets a letter in the mail saying that Dudu’s will cancel his membership unless he renews, he rushes down to make a payment.
When he arrives, his speaks to the gym’s owner, Dudu, and says half-jokingly, “So be honest with me, do you have a name for guys like me who join and never show up?”
“Yes,” says Dudu. “Profit.”
Sam picked up his wife Becky and their new baby from the hospital and brought them home. It was not long before Becky suggested that Sam try his hand at changing a diaper.
“I’m busy,” he said. “I promise I’ll do the next one.”
The next time soon came around, so Becky asked him again.
Sam looked at Becky and said, innocently, “I didn’t mean the next diaper, I meant the next baby.”
During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men were dumbfounded. “Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?” they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?” The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else would hear and said… “Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.”
Paul goes to see his boss one day and says, “My wife Natalie says I should see you. She says I should go up to you and ask for an increase in my salary. She says I’m entitled.”
Paul’s boss replies, “Come back tomorrow. I’ll ask my wife if I should give it to you.”
Little Mikey was having a tough time adjusting to first grade. At least twice a week, his parents would receive a note from his teacher outlining his latest infractions.
Finally, his parents sat him down and said, “Mikey, we’ve had enough! We don’t want any more notes from your teacher!”
Mikey replied, “Alright. Do you guys want to tell her or should I?”
First Week of School
It’s Friday afternoon and Miriam picks up her five-year-old daughter Esther at the end of her first week at primary school. When they get home, Miriam asks Esther, “Well, darling, how was your first week at your lovely new school? Was it as nice as Mommy told you it would be?”
“No, Mommy,” replies little Esther, looking very serious. “No it was not!”
“Oh, my poor wonderful darling,” says Miriam sadly, “why didn’t you enjoy yourself?”
Little Esther replies, “Well Mommy, I think I’m just wasting my time going to school.”
“Why is this, my beautiful princess?” asks Miriam.
“Because, Mommy,” replies little Esther, “I can’t read or write at all. I’m afraid this school thing just isn’t for me.”
A young Jewish mother is preparing a brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, “You know, I am not sure – this is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let’s call Grandma and ask her.”
So, she phones the grandmother and asks why she always slices the ends off the brisket before roasting. The grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, “You know, I am not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket.”
Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-grandmother in the nursing home. “You know when we make a brisket,” they explain, “we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?”
“I don’t know why you do it,” says the old woman, “but I never had a pan that was large enough to fit in the whole brisket!”
Moshe is sitting in his office one morning when his phone rings.
“Mr. Minkovsky,” says the caller, “my name is Peter Burton and I’m the manager of your bank. As you know, you hold your business account with us and I’m calling to inform you that at close of business yesterday, your account was overdrawn by nearly $600.”
“Thank you, mister bank manager for letting me know this,” replies Moshe. “Do you have access to my account statements for the last three months?”
“Yes, I have them in front of me,” replies the bank manager.
“So could you tell me what my account balance was at the end of each of the last three months?” asks Moshe.
“Yes, of course,” replies the bank manager. “Over the last three months, your account ended the month in credit by $789.26, $1,245.90, and $444.01.”
“So, nu, mister bank manager,” says Moshe, “did I phone you up on those occasions?”