Doctor: You really must stop smoking or I’ll have to refer you to a specialist.
Herb: Really? What kind of specialist?
Doctor: A mortician.
Jack V. Grazi
Q: What’s the difference between an old shoe and broccoli?
A: Kids won’t put broccoli in their mouths.
Mom’s the Word
A man calls his mother in Florida.
“Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
“Why are you so weak?” the son asks.
“Because I haven’t eaten in 3 days,” she answers.
“That’s terrible! Why haven’t you eaten in 3 days?”
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full of food if you should call.”
On the Way to School
Teacher: Why are you late, Billy?
Billy: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What kind of excuse is that? What sign?
Billy: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”
When you don’t know what you’re talking about, it’s hard to know when you’re finished.
Jack V. Grazi
The $100 Wish
A little boy decided that he wanted $100. He prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. He began to want the money so badly that he decided to write Gd a letter requesting the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to: Gd, USA, they weren’t sure what to do with it. Finally, they decided to forward it to the White House.
The President was so touched and amused by the letter, that he decided to help the boy get started on saving up for his $100 goal. Thinking that it would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy, he instructed his secretary to take a five-dollar bill from his own money and send it to the boy.
When the little boy received a response to his letter, he was delighted. After opening it and finding the five-dollar bill, he sat down to write a thank you note which read:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and as we would be expect, those crooks deducted $95.
The New Arrival
A young couple informed their three-year old daughter that they were expecting the arrival of their second child – a baby boy, and thus would have to move to a bigger house. “That’s not going to help” the little girl said with a heavy sigh. “He’ll only follow us.”
A Privacy How-To
Q: How does a woman make sure her husband will never read her diary?
A: By writing on the cover in big letters “Instruction Manual.”
The Shopping List
A woman comes into a pharmacy with a shopping list and hands it to the pharmacist.
Pharmacist: Okay, it says here you need a tube of Crest toothpaste. Is that regular or tartar control?
Lady: Tartar control.
Pharmacist: Good. Next it says Children’s Tylenol. Do you want liquid or chewable?
Lady: Chewable please.
Pharmacist: No problem. Finally, it says you need a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. What size would that be?
Lady: Well what size would you suggest? I’m only having four guests over for dinner.
Watching the Neighbors
Tommy: Mom, I think the people who are living next door are really, really poor!
Mother: Now why do you say that, Tommy?
Tommy: Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a dime.
An ambulance was sent to check on a 92-year-old man who had become dizzy. The medics decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. On the way, with the siren going and lights flashing, they asked the man a few questions to see if he was aware.
Leaning close, one asked, “Sir, do you know what we’re doing right now?”
The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window. “Oh,” he replied, “I’d say about 50, maybe 55.”